silent retreat

a couple days ago, some of the EAST students went on a retreat. by retreat, this is a real retreat... going to a quiet place (in singapore, this is kinda rare), staying away from the noise and busyness... and not talking to one another for the majority of the time when we were there! (even during our meals)

the whole idea was to consciously block out all the noise and so refrain from talking. reading only the Bible and no other books, so we can practice "listening to God".

thru out the retreat, we had a facilitator (here's his blog) who went thru some debatable practices on meditation and biblical interpretation methods (or maybe we just needed more time for him to explain further before we practiced them?). despite all the discussions and the controversies that i've been hearing since the retreat, personally, i thought i benefited from this type of spiritual discipline exercise.

somehow, thru the 1 1/2 days retreat, i realized that i have been avoiding reading the Bible much because of this issue of trust. i find that i don't really trust God anymore so reading God's Word doesn't mean much to me... (if you don't trust someone, you probably won't really listen to his/her words...) i need to deal with my disappointments of things not taking place according to what i had imagined God doing. somehow God was bringing to my attention of the fact that He has His timing in all things and He does not fail in fulfilling His promises.

i also continued to struggle with "my dark side" (critical spirit, judgmental, unforgiving, etc.) and not knowing how to reconcile with "the force" (no lah... my good side... compassionate, loving, accepting, etc.). i also couldn't reconcile the two seemingly opposing sides, which are also exhibited so clearly in God. somehow, as i continued to think that i probably will need some time to reconcile it all, i caught the bus ride home with one of our students JT. he asked me what i've learned from the retreat and so i told him about my problem. i finally finished when i was about to get off the bus and walk home. he has started to counsel me and simply pointed out that what i was experiencing can possibly be some form of spiritual attack. the evil one knows that the Lord is bringing new things into my life so attacks/distractions came. he got off the bus with me and pray for me. somehow ever since then, i've felt much easier about my struggles.

ultimately, i just thank God in orchestrating every person and every event that played a part for where i am today, especially for my recent struggles. i think i've reached a place that i feel much more at peace although there are still some fears about the future that are plaguing me. i guess i'll just have to take one step at a time and see how the Lord will continue to lead and provide grace needed along the way.