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The Passion of the Christ and pregnancy

last night at UCHC we went to the Good Friday service and husband was presiding and speaking (one of the 7 last words of Christ). before he preached, he started to call names of people and asking them to go up and share. of course he didn't mention it ahead of time that he was going to do that to me. but he did. usually i would be pretty nervous about this kind of last minute stuff especially up on the stage in front of people. but maybe because i've seen how it's done very frequently at the Pentecostal churches, i was rather calm about it. i didn't hear or he didn't say what he wanted me to do so i was sitting there thinking about what i will say or sing (because it could be either one of those things). as i thought about what i might share with the people, the images of The Passion of The Christ came into my mind. we watched part of it the other night since it was on TV. i think because i am pregnant and expecting a son, the scenes where they focused on Jesus and His mother, Mary's relationship drew out a lesson that i've not thought much about.

the movie was done from a Catholic angle of the Passion (or suffering) of the Christ. focusing on Jesus's eye contact exchanges with His mother, it gave me a sense that a part of how Jesus was able to continue on His journey of suffering was because His mother was there and silently supporting Him to completing the task that He was given. but it never occurred to me of the suffering of Jesus's mother during the process until the other night when i was watching it. as a pregnant woman, carrying a child for 9 months, raising the child to her best abilities, who would want to see their child suffer? yet Jesus's mother, Mary did not protest or fight like Peter did in Matthew 16:21-23. she was obviously in pain and yet it's almost like she knew that Jesus's suffering was necessary. it was the purpose of why He came into the world.

although i've known that in being obedient to God, not only do we need to pay the price but the people around us also need to pay the price along with us. still, to endure the kind of suffering Mary, the mother of Jesus, had to endure, it seems rather cruel and harsh. it made me think about all those times when i went on short-term missions trips especially those in very rural, non-contactable areas. i knew that my mother (or parents) had to suffer to some extend because of my obedience to follow God's call in my life. i always pray before and during the trips that God will watch over my family and bring the "peace beyond all understanding" to them (which He always did). but this is just one of the realities or the price to pay in being obedient to God and following Him.

maybe it makes the Christian walk harder. yet maybe the thought of how this community around us (or Body of Christ) is so necessary even when it comes to being obedient to what God calls us to do. and maybe it's also in the community or the Body's support (along with God and His Spirit's enablement) that we can continue to carry on this Christian journey.

on being thankful

last night we said goodbye to 2010 and ushered in the new year, 2011. it was unlike any new year's eve that i've experienced because hubby's brother david invited hubby to preach at his church. as i told my sister about this, it seemed like an unusual idea. but i remembered that our dad used to organize watch night prayer meetings during his years as senior pastor at ACCC. somehow we, as "kids", never joined my parents for these prayer meetings. on contrast, both hubby and his brother recounted how they have always spent their new year's eve at the church. so it's another family tradition that i'm introduced to.

the service started at 10pm with worship. it's a cosy apostolic pentecostal church attended by Black families in the area. brother David led the worship time through singing while nephew Darius and other church kids played drums and bass. there was no powerpoint slides of the songs being sung and David just led from one song to another. but the lyrics were easy enough for everyone to follow. and i felt like i've not worshipped like that for a long time... although the gospel-y/jazzy beats and accompaniment of the songs were different from what i am used to, the songs are still the same--i exalt Thee, i love You Lord, etc.

the service went on till almost 2am with testimonies, prayers, praise dance, inspirational reading, my hubby's awesome preaching, and of course lots of shouting, running around, and impromptu dancing. all the usual elements of a Black pentecostal service (of what i've observed so far in the short few months). but one thing that brother David emphasized through out was giving thanks for what the Lord has done in 2010 (along with praising God despite the good and the bad). although i didn't stand up to "testify" of the Lord's goodness (maybe my brain doesn't work that fast to think of exactly what all i am thankful for and to formulate them into eloquent words like all the Black brothers and sisters were doing). but through out the service, the ride home, and especially hubby's sermon from the book of Ruth talking about positioning oneself at the right time, right place, with the right people and right attitude, 2010 has been that year where i have been rewarded or blessed of my years of being at the right time, right place, right people and right attitude (well, the the Lord had to adjust that last part and worked on it over the course of 10-15 years). mainly the blessing of meeting a wonderful man, developing a friendship/romantic relationship, leading to being married, and now expecting a new life in June. these have been the prayers and the deepest longing of my heart in the last 10-15 years. somehow my season with all the tears, prayers and conversations over meals that went into preparing, hoping and struggling has suddenly ended. i have entered into a new season (just like the lyrics of the song New Season by Israel Houghton).

and the blessing is not only in the man i married but also of the family he comes from and belongs to. although it's been a big adjustment to move away from my family and familiar surroundings, the Settles have made me feel very, well... "settled" :p. i have to say there are still lots about the Reese/Settles family history and stories that i need to learn (not to mention which cousin is whose child and how so and so relates to so and so). there are lots about the church traditions and customs that are far different from what i grew up with. there are also lots of other bigger overall Black societal issues that i didn't have to think about or deal with but now that i'm a part of. i want to embrace all these new things with an open mind and open heart (and heartache at times).

but God has definitely outdone Himself again in 2010 especially in my life. i am still grateful of old friends and family who have endured me all these years, but also thankful for the new beginning and a new family God has brought me into. there are many more other things that i should also be thankful for but it might take too long for me to think through and list them down. so here i "testify" of God's goodness and hope it will encourage you no matter where you are in your journey or struggles in that deepest desire of your heart. i am also too scared to say He will do exactly what He has done for me. but i do know He knows the best time, best place, best way, best gift, best blessing for you. only if you would trust Him and let Him lead the way.

it takes a village to raise a child...

it takes a village to raise a child and apparently the family of Christ to make a wedding happen

i was thinking this morning that weddings seem to be about the bride, the dress, the groom, flowers, music, gifts, etc... of course there are people involved but i never realized how many people it required

in the past couple of weeks, my older sister who is my wedding coordinator has been busy calling different people figuring out the various details and arrangements. then she would call me asking if i know this and that... also creating a list of things that i need to do. never in my life am i actually glad to have my big sister calling me and making sure that i am doing this and that. (i just didn't like having somebody telling me all the things that i need to do)

besides my big sister, my mom and dad have also been calling various church members from Atlanta Chinese Christian Church (ACCC, where the wedding will take place and where i spent 10 meaningful years of my life growing and maturing). people have been responding and asking how they can help with tremendous zeal and helpfulness. it is a wedding between two poor full-time ministry workers who come from two full-time ministers' homes. (basically we just don't have much money....) so we really depend on whatever help people can offer us.

actually now i think about it, people have been offering lots of help ever since they heard of the good news. i've gotten A LOT of help from one of my best friends, wei wei, along with my younger sister, jennier c. and many others.

this wedding is definitely not a casual, simple thing. it's the result of people's love, time, energy, money, poured out. and i'm very grateful.

i am looking forward to the big day not just because it's going to be life changing, but also knowing that it's the celebration of many good friends, family, and the Body of Christ coming together.

step into the unknown

one of my favorite things for summer time in LA is the outdoor concerts at the Hollywood Bowl. it's even more awesome when fireworks are involved (it's the July 4th weekend afterall). Besides the music, the ambience, the exciting picnic food possibilities, there is also the time to sit, to talk with friends and family (we spend too much time in front of the tv, computers, and our phones... well, i am guilty as charged if not the queen of doing all of the above)...

so...

last night in the midst of the conversation, my friend commented on my recent turning of events, in getting married in september, moving across the country in a month's time, to become a part of a wonderful southern Black family that can be pretty different from my own Chinese family, and whatever is to come in becoming a wife, a mother, and hopefully a good support for a wonderful man in what God has called him to be and do... all of that as being brave and daring. so i told her "well, it's how God's been leading all my life. it just doesn't seem different this time around".

but later as i thought about it more, although J and i have not known each other for a long time, we've been able to become close if not best friends in sharing and being able to cheer each other on for the challenges in our lives. it is not hard to pour my life and trust my future into J just because of who he is (and that's through my own judgement, comments from close friends to both of us, and also new friends that i've gotten to know because of him, plus his family members)...

and the thing that i keep coming back (besides what i've written above) is the fact that all my life, i know that God is the One that has been watching over, leading every step, every move that i've made from taiwan to atlanta to burma to singapore to LA... and wherever else He is taking me (and us in the future). there were some hardships along the way, life issues that i have faced. and for some things, i need more work on. BUT, He has been great. it is not scary to go forward. it is not my own bravery or adventurous spirit (i might have some of that but like my name, Pauline, i often feel little and timid of doing even some simple things in daily life). it's just like knowing how J is and trusting that things will be ok. knowing God through out the years also requires that i would trust Him more and more. i think He makes it easy.

so how stepping into the unknown will turn out really depends on whom you are walking with and whom do you trust in leading you into the unknown...

to be married off

so i've also just come back from spending some extended time with Joshua and his family, particularly his dad since i stayed at his place for about a week. before i met Bishop Settles (Joshua's dad), i already heard Joshua describe what kind of man he is. i think it was back in January, after my first visit that he wrote on my facebook something to the effect of welcoming me as his future daughter-in-law (before there was any formal proposal, chinese or american ways). and so for this visit, i had the opportunity to spend some mornings with him just to chat over coffee and his really delicious apple raisin oatmeal.

ever since i got to know Joshua, i have been learning about the struggles and the painful history for the Black Americans. somehow the high school and colleges i went to never taught me this part of the american history. before i met Joshua's dad, i was thinking that i'll ask him about his experiences as a Black American thru his childhood, Civil rights movement, etc. but as the two of us sat down over breakfast, our conversations did not revolve around some historic incidents or experiences but just common, everyday, life kinda stuff. so i found out that we both love to desserts, have dealt with people problems within the church, and for me to hear stories of Joshua growing up as a child and of his marriage with his late wife. it wasn't about my Chinese past and his Black American experiences. it was about us being people with families, as ministers of God to His people.

after my 3-week trip, i'm home and i've been sick. i just haven't had much time to share with my parents of my experience in the past three weeks. so when i did talk to my mom briefly over dinner the other night, there were a lot of concerns and worries. it's as if getting married to a wonderful man and family who happen to be "Black" is a disease that requires lots of caution and maybe even some vaccination shots. (ok... maybe that's a little bit too exaggerated but it sure doesn't make me feel like i'm being trusted for my decision to marry this Black Southern American man)

in the past few months it did occur to me that although i've been very exposed to various peoples and cultures, lived in very rural mountainous areas of SE asia, grew up in "the south" and feeling rather southern at times, felt thoroughly welcomed by Joshua's family and friends, all these experiences are "mine" until i share as much of my experiences with my parents for them to understand how amazingly at home i've felt in the past three weeks.

i suppose i am being "married off" since i'm a girl and will be moving across country, joining my new family, learning Black, southern culture... i suppose my parents feel like they are losing me to "the unknown" and maybe even into a very scary "Black" family. but so far in my own experiences, i'd have to say i'm sooooooooo looking forward to this new chapter of my life, in learning, failing, love and hate my life at the same time... i do believe our skin color affected our life experiences but i've found lots of similarities just by being human. and if history has proven of God's faithfulness and goodness in my life, i don't see how this would be any different from before. i've lived in a couple of foreign country for years knowing very little about those places and ended up loving those peoples. i don't think it will always be easy but it will be good. it will be good not just because i know the Settles will be good to me, but also that God is good and faithful.

mom and dad, i guess i'll try harder to help you get a glimpse of how good my world is. and i pray that you will trust God and His leading. His "good, perfect and pleasing" will for my life and future.

worship "team": learning about worship in community

just came back on a trip where i spent 2 weeks as a volunteer at the Southeast regional InterVarsity's chapter camp. well, so it happens that Joshua was the worship leader/coordinator for the first week where we did a mix of traditional hymns, hillsong songs, and of course several gospel pieces. i wasn't supposed to play (keyboard) for the 2nd week but was asked and i more than gladly accepted.

i have to say that both weeks brought challenges but of different kinds. in the past 10 years or so of my worship leading/playing/singing experiences, it's always been songs that i have chosen or with styles or chord progressions that are very familiar to my fingers. but not these 2 weeks. i've always wanted to learn how to play gospel style and/or jazz style songs but never had the discipline to see it through. so it's come back to bite me. our team came together after a couple of days and i was able to hide my poor keyboard skills because every team member was talented. i was very grateful that one night when i couldn't play the intro to Grateful that the flautist, bassist, and drummer covered me. it was especially painful to disappoint Joshua, my dear friend, future husband and worship leader because the gospel pieces really depended on my playing. but i learned to accept my limitations and will improve upon it in the months to come.

week 2 was a different beast altogether. we did many songs by Jesus Culture (something like Your Love Never Fails). basically the style of the songs were more rock, which is something almost entirely unfamiliar to me (esp. in terms of how the keyboard functions in a band). on top of that, it's also an entirely different team dynamics because half of the people on the team come from the same area and have been working together for a certain amount of time. i think it's always hard when there are established relationships in a group and you are supposed to become the same team within a short time. i have to say that it was a little disheartening to me. basically i felt like a failure all through out those few nights playing for worship.

but here is the irony. multiple people came up to me during the 2nd week and told me how good i played. i received their compliments with a smile and sometimes doing the chinese thing by saying: "nah, it wasn't really anything..." but with more than just one person who came up to me, it made me think harder as to why people were complimenting me.

maybe after a couple of days it dawned on me... it wasn't my playing but it was my contribution to the overall sound of the team that made it good. (because it's hard to think playing the same 4 chords thru out an entire song is that difficult to do... hahaha) this is something that i've not really experienced much. i think i've always been the one-woman show but this time around i was "one part" of the team and not "the team". it was certainly very humbling and maybe a hard lesson to learn because i needed to trust that the other excellent musicians and i could compliment each other in creating music that might help people enter into worshipping God.

i guess i will always have more to learn and grow from...

process

with the wedding preparation on the way, there are many new experiences and thoughts that come with it. i've been thinking about the process of preparation, particularly for the wedding itself.

i've recently told someone that i would rather focus on preparing to build a new life instead of focusing on the wedding itself... because the wedding is only one day but being married is "till death do us part". i guess both J and i are rather practical people, plus we are poor (well, full-time Christian workers seem to have a better witness if we don't have money... hmm...). growing up as a little girl, unlike many others, i've not really dreamed of how my wedding will be or what place or what dress or what music will be at the wedding. with all these years of waiting for the right person, maybe i've also grown weary thinking about even the possibility of getting married. when J and i first decided to officially date, he did ask me what i might want in a wedding. i think i thought briefly and do have some ideas... but not as elaborate as some others would think and dream of.

so with the wedding prep underway, i've been receiving various advices for and questions about the wedding. i'm very thankful that i have very good friends, sisters, mother's friends, who are more than willing to chip in and contribute. so many of them think of things that i haven't thought about. (i guess this is where the but comes in) but... it can be rather confusing and stressful at times because J and i just want simple but simple might be interpreted as "cheap" or "not proper". i think sometimes i just want to skip over all this preparation "process" and just be married and go on with our life together.

but then i start to realize the necessity of having this process and having to go through all the "trouble". time does allow certain things or issues to surface no matter if it's good or bad. going through the process with all the stresses and ideas, i'm learning about the people around me that i wouldn't otherwise have a chance to know. i'm learning about myself in ways that i've not experienced before. and i think this process also makes me grateful because God is at work in my life and stretching me again. i have to go back to His Word, get on my knees so that i would be able to find peace and be at rest in His arms again.

i suppose God stretches people through different circumstances, opportunities, and stresses. and somehow His intention is "good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes". and so going thru the process is only necessary