The Passion of the Christ and pregnancy

last night at UCHC we went to the Good Friday service and husband was presiding and speaking (one of the 7 last words of Christ). before he preached, he started to call names of people and asking them to go up and share. of course he didn't mention it ahead of time that he was going to do that to me. but he did. usually i would be pretty nervous about this kind of last minute stuff especially up on the stage in front of people. but maybe because i've seen how it's done very frequently at the Pentecostal churches, i was rather calm about it. i didn't hear or he didn't say what he wanted me to do so i was sitting there thinking about what i will say or sing (because it could be either one of those things). as i thought about what i might share with the people, the images of The Passion of The Christ came into my mind. we watched part of it the other night since it was on TV. i think because i am pregnant and expecting a son, the scenes where they focused on Jesus and His mother, Mary's relationship drew out a lesson that i've not thought much about.

the movie was done from a Catholic angle of the Passion (or suffering) of the Christ. focusing on Jesus's eye contact exchanges with His mother, it gave me a sense that a part of how Jesus was able to continue on His journey of suffering was because His mother was there and silently supporting Him to completing the task that He was given. but it never occurred to me of the suffering of Jesus's mother during the process until the other night when i was watching it. as a pregnant woman, carrying a child for 9 months, raising the child to her best abilities, who would want to see their child suffer? yet Jesus's mother, Mary did not protest or fight like Peter did in Matthew 16:21-23. she was obviously in pain and yet it's almost like she knew that Jesus's suffering was necessary. it was the purpose of why He came into the world.

although i've known that in being obedient to God, not only do we need to pay the price but the people around us also need to pay the price along with us. still, to endure the kind of suffering Mary, the mother of Jesus, had to endure, it seems rather cruel and harsh. it made me think about all those times when i went on short-term missions trips especially those in very rural, non-contactable areas. i knew that my mother (or parents) had to suffer to some extend because of my obedience to follow God's call in my life. i always pray before and during the trips that God will watch over my family and bring the "peace beyond all understanding" to them (which He always did). but this is just one of the realities or the price to pay in being obedient to God and following Him.

maybe it makes the Christian walk harder. yet maybe the thought of how this community around us (or Body of Christ) is so necessary even when it comes to being obedient to what God calls us to do. and maybe it's also in the community or the Body's support (along with God and His Spirit's enablement) that we can continue to carry on this Christian journey.

on being thankful

last night we said goodbye to 2010 and ushered in the new year, 2011. it was unlike any new year's eve that i've experienced because hubby's brother david invited hubby to preach at his church. as i told my sister about this, it seemed like an unusual idea. but i remembered that our dad used to organize watch night prayer meetings during his years as senior pastor at ACCC. somehow we, as "kids", never joined my parents for these prayer meetings. on contrast, both hubby and his brother recounted how they have always spent their new year's eve at the church. so it's another family tradition that i'm introduced to.

the service started at 10pm with worship. it's a cosy apostolic pentecostal church attended by Black families in the area. brother David led the worship time through singing while nephew Darius and other church kids played drums and bass. there was no powerpoint slides of the songs being sung and David just led from one song to another. but the lyrics were easy enough for everyone to follow. and i felt like i've not worshipped like that for a long time... although the gospel-y/jazzy beats and accompaniment of the songs were different from what i am used to, the songs are still the same--i exalt Thee, i love You Lord, etc.

the service went on till almost 2am with testimonies, prayers, praise dance, inspirational reading, my hubby's awesome preaching, and of course lots of shouting, running around, and impromptu dancing. all the usual elements of a Black pentecostal service (of what i've observed so far in the short few months). but one thing that brother David emphasized through out was giving thanks for what the Lord has done in 2010 (along with praising God despite the good and the bad). although i didn't stand up to "testify" of the Lord's goodness (maybe my brain doesn't work that fast to think of exactly what all i am thankful for and to formulate them into eloquent words like all the Black brothers and sisters were doing). but through out the service, the ride home, and especially hubby's sermon from the book of Ruth talking about positioning oneself at the right time, right place, with the right people and right attitude, 2010 has been that year where i have been rewarded or blessed of my years of being at the right time, right place, right people and right attitude (well, the the Lord had to adjust that last part and worked on it over the course of 10-15 years). mainly the blessing of meeting a wonderful man, developing a friendship/romantic relationship, leading to being married, and now expecting a new life in June. these have been the prayers and the deepest longing of my heart in the last 10-15 years. somehow my season with all the tears, prayers and conversations over meals that went into preparing, hoping and struggling has suddenly ended. i have entered into a new season (just like the lyrics of the song New Season by Israel Houghton).

and the blessing is not only in the man i married but also of the family he comes from and belongs to. although it's been a big adjustment to move away from my family and familiar surroundings, the Settles have made me feel very, well... "settled" :p. i have to say there are still lots about the Reese/Settles family history and stories that i need to learn (not to mention which cousin is whose child and how so and so relates to so and so). there are lots about the church traditions and customs that are far different from what i grew up with. there are also lots of other bigger overall Black societal issues that i didn't have to think about or deal with but now that i'm a part of. i want to embrace all these new things with an open mind and open heart (and heartache at times).

but God has definitely outdone Himself again in 2010 especially in my life. i am still grateful of old friends and family who have endured me all these years, but also thankful for the new beginning and a new family God has brought me into. there are many more other things that i should also be thankful for but it might take too long for me to think through and list them down. so here i "testify" of God's goodness and hope it will encourage you no matter where you are in your journey or struggles in that deepest desire of your heart. i am also too scared to say He will do exactly what He has done for me. but i do know He knows the best time, best place, best way, best gift, best blessing for you. only if you would trust Him and let Him lead the way.

it takes a village to raise a child...

it takes a village to raise a child and apparently the family of Christ to make a wedding happen

i was thinking this morning that weddings seem to be about the bride, the dress, the groom, flowers, music, gifts, etc... of course there are people involved but i never realized how many people it required

in the past couple of weeks, my older sister who is my wedding coordinator has been busy calling different people figuring out the various details and arrangements. then she would call me asking if i know this and that... also creating a list of things that i need to do. never in my life am i actually glad to have my big sister calling me and making sure that i am doing this and that. (i just didn't like having somebody telling me all the things that i need to do)

besides my big sister, my mom and dad have also been calling various church members from Atlanta Chinese Christian Church (ACCC, where the wedding will take place and where i spent 10 meaningful years of my life growing and maturing). people have been responding and asking how they can help with tremendous zeal and helpfulness. it is a wedding between two poor full-time ministry workers who come from two full-time ministers' homes. (basically we just don't have much money....) so we really depend on whatever help people can offer us.

actually now i think about it, people have been offering lots of help ever since they heard of the good news. i've gotten A LOT of help from one of my best friends, wei wei, along with my younger sister, jennier c. and many others.

this wedding is definitely not a casual, simple thing. it's the result of people's love, time, energy, money, poured out. and i'm very grateful.

i am looking forward to the big day not just because it's going to be life changing, but also knowing that it's the celebration of many good friends, family, and the Body of Christ coming together.

step into the unknown

one of my favorite things for summer time in LA is the outdoor concerts at the Hollywood Bowl. it's even more awesome when fireworks are involved (it's the July 4th weekend afterall). Besides the music, the ambience, the exciting picnic food possibilities, there is also the time to sit, to talk with friends and family (we spend too much time in front of the tv, computers, and our phones... well, i am guilty as charged if not the queen of doing all of the above)...

so...

last night in the midst of the conversation, my friend commented on my recent turning of events, in getting married in september, moving across the country in a month's time, to become a part of a wonderful southern Black family that can be pretty different from my own Chinese family, and whatever is to come in becoming a wife, a mother, and hopefully a good support for a wonderful man in what God has called him to be and do... all of that as being brave and daring. so i told her "well, it's how God's been leading all my life. it just doesn't seem different this time around".

but later as i thought about it more, although J and i have not known each other for a long time, we've been able to become close if not best friends in sharing and being able to cheer each other on for the challenges in our lives. it is not hard to pour my life and trust my future into J just because of who he is (and that's through my own judgement, comments from close friends to both of us, and also new friends that i've gotten to know because of him, plus his family members)...

and the thing that i keep coming back (besides what i've written above) is the fact that all my life, i know that God is the One that has been watching over, leading every step, every move that i've made from taiwan to atlanta to burma to singapore to LA... and wherever else He is taking me (and us in the future). there were some hardships along the way, life issues that i have faced. and for some things, i need more work on. BUT, He has been great. it is not scary to go forward. it is not my own bravery or adventurous spirit (i might have some of that but like my name, Pauline, i often feel little and timid of doing even some simple things in daily life). it's just like knowing how J is and trusting that things will be ok. knowing God through out the years also requires that i would trust Him more and more. i think He makes it easy.

so how stepping into the unknown will turn out really depends on whom you are walking with and whom do you trust in leading you into the unknown...

to be married off

so i've also just come back from spending some extended time with Joshua and his family, particularly his dad since i stayed at his place for about a week. before i met Bishop Settles (Joshua's dad), i already heard Joshua describe what kind of man he is. i think it was back in January, after my first visit that he wrote on my facebook something to the effect of welcoming me as his future daughter-in-law (before there was any formal proposal, chinese or american ways). and so for this visit, i had the opportunity to spend some mornings with him just to chat over coffee and his really delicious apple raisin oatmeal.

ever since i got to know Joshua, i have been learning about the struggles and the painful history for the Black Americans. somehow the high school and colleges i went to never taught me this part of the american history. before i met Joshua's dad, i was thinking that i'll ask him about his experiences as a Black American thru his childhood, Civil rights movement, etc. but as the two of us sat down over breakfast, our conversations did not revolve around some historic incidents or experiences but just common, everyday, life kinda stuff. so i found out that we both love to desserts, have dealt with people problems within the church, and for me to hear stories of Joshua growing up as a child and of his marriage with his late wife. it wasn't about my Chinese past and his Black American experiences. it was about us being people with families, as ministers of God to His people.

after my 3-week trip, i'm home and i've been sick. i just haven't had much time to share with my parents of my experience in the past three weeks. so when i did talk to my mom briefly over dinner the other night, there were a lot of concerns and worries. it's as if getting married to a wonderful man and family who happen to be "Black" is a disease that requires lots of caution and maybe even some vaccination shots. (ok... maybe that's a little bit too exaggerated but it sure doesn't make me feel like i'm being trusted for my decision to marry this Black Southern American man)

in the past few months it did occur to me that although i've been very exposed to various peoples and cultures, lived in very rural mountainous areas of SE asia, grew up in "the south" and feeling rather southern at times, felt thoroughly welcomed by Joshua's family and friends, all these experiences are "mine" until i share as much of my experiences with my parents for them to understand how amazingly at home i've felt in the past three weeks.

i suppose i am being "married off" since i'm a girl and will be moving across country, joining my new family, learning Black, southern culture... i suppose my parents feel like they are losing me to "the unknown" and maybe even into a very scary "Black" family. but so far in my own experiences, i'd have to say i'm sooooooooo looking forward to this new chapter of my life, in learning, failing, love and hate my life at the same time... i do believe our skin color affected our life experiences but i've found lots of similarities just by being human. and if history has proven of God's faithfulness and goodness in my life, i don't see how this would be any different from before. i've lived in a couple of foreign country for years knowing very little about those places and ended up loving those peoples. i don't think it will always be easy but it will be good. it will be good not just because i know the Settles will be good to me, but also that God is good and faithful.

mom and dad, i guess i'll try harder to help you get a glimpse of how good my world is. and i pray that you will trust God and His leading. His "good, perfect and pleasing" will for my life and future.

process

with the wedding preparation on the way, there are many new experiences and thoughts that come with it. i've been thinking about the process of preparation, particularly for the wedding itself.

i've recently told someone that i would rather focus on preparing to build a new life instead of focusing on the wedding itself... because the wedding is only one day but being married is "till death do us part". i guess both J and i are rather practical people, plus we are poor (well, full-time Christian workers seem to have a better witness if we don't have money... hmm...). growing up as a little girl, unlike many others, i've not really dreamed of how my wedding will be or what place or what dress or what music will be at the wedding. with all these years of waiting for the right person, maybe i've also grown weary thinking about even the possibility of getting married. when J and i first decided to officially date, he did ask me what i might want in a wedding. i think i thought briefly and do have some ideas... but not as elaborate as some others would think and dream of.

so with the wedding prep underway, i've been receiving various advices for and questions about the wedding. i'm very thankful that i have very good friends, sisters, mother's friends, who are more than willing to chip in and contribute. so many of them think of things that i haven't thought about. (i guess this is where the but comes in) but... it can be rather confusing and stressful at times because J and i just want simple but simple might be interpreted as "cheap" or "not proper". i think sometimes i just want to skip over all this preparation "process" and just be married and go on with our life together.

but then i start to realize the necessity of having this process and having to go through all the "trouble". time does allow certain things or issues to surface no matter if it's good or bad. going through the process with all the stresses and ideas, i'm learning about the people around me that i wouldn't otherwise have a chance to know. i'm learning about myself in ways that i've not experienced before. and i think this process also makes me grateful because God is at work in my life and stretching me again. i have to go back to His Word, get on my knees so that i would be able to find peace and be at rest in His arms again.

i suppose God stretches people through different circumstances, opportunities, and stresses. and somehow His intention is "good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes". and so going thru the process is only necessary

engaged??!!

my family and friends know that i've prayed for marriage and family for a long time (maybe for about 10-15 years?). and they have also been praying for a long time. it has been a rather long and tiring journey filled with weird and interesting stories.

when i met joshua last year, everything suddenly seemed to move rather quickly for our relationship. but it wasn't at a pace that seemed too fast for the both of us. i guess after 10-15 years of waiting, my time has reached its fullness.

so even after our first meeting in person back in Nov, we've talked about a timeline of how things might work out in our relationship. at the time, it seemed reasonable. it was with the considerations of joshua's work schedule requirements (he's taking a team to Ghana this summer for missions), my studies (almost done with my DMiss degree at Fuller), our age and desire to have children (he wants quite a few and i love kids too), and also a reasonable adjustment period for our families. i had also wanted my uncle to marry us, and since he's a very busy man, we've tentatively set a date for our wedding on Sept 11, 2010.

so joshua's visit was a determining point or a point of confirmation for whether we'll continue to follow the timeline we've discussed previously or not. as far as i know, joshua has been much more than i can ever imagine as a suitable future husband and father of my children. i had no doubt that we would make a good couple and family especially in serving the Lord and (hopefully) bringing glory to our mighty God and King.

and as i had thought, his visit went very well. i was especially appreciative of his willingness to accommodate and learn about chinese culture and ways of doing things... to at least try the different foods (like sea cucumber and chicken feet) and say "ya, that's pretty tasty". to preach at my church and get the approval of my current church family, to endure the stare from random chinese people walking down the streets of alhambra or even getting some impolite treatment at this chinese grocery store. to spend time with me and my family even when he has a million things to take care of related to his job.

so ya, we are engaged (in a very chinese, community, family kinda way instead of the american, individualistic kind of way), and have started to prepare for our wedding in sept and our life together. (to say those words together in a sentence still seems rather surreal to me.)

(here's his rather humorous version of our engagement and future plans... On Engagement Rings, Oreos, and Impromptu Parties)

i am thoroughly grateful... to God, our families, friends because of all the prayers, words of encouragement, good advices, willingness to chip in and help for the wedding prep. i'm grateful for God's design, good timing, perfect will that i can truly testify now.

really... thank you all who have prayed along the way, who have been by my side when things didn't work out, with the tears and frustrations... and for those who are still waiting on God's good design and plan, i'll be praying for you and trust that He has the best in mind for you as well. :)

God is the God of China and all creation

one of the reasons why i really enjoy talking to my beau, Joshua, is that we can be just talking about random things in our lives and somehow come up with really cool missiology or theological insights...

this morning we had an awesome conversation. i thought it's worth blogging about since it was sorta my idea and he made it better :D:D:D

somewhere in the conversation, i said:

"God is the God of China and all creation"

i said that because of a small observation i made from the conference we had this past weekend (the Missions Prayer Conference in LA). during the first night's worship, we sang How Great Thou Art. since the conference was conducted in mandarin, naturally the powerpoint slides were all presented in chinese. but what was interesting (no matter if it was intentional or not), is that the background of the slides that might look something like this. when looking at these kinds of images, it just communicates "China" or chinese... it's pretty amazing of how God made mountains, trees, and the fogs in a certain way. when looking at the exact combination of what that scenery looks like, it just says "china"...

usually when we sing How Great Thou Art, people talk about the beauties of creation, the Grand Canyon or the Niagara Falls, which are all awesome creations that give us a sense of... well... awe. God also made the Yellow Mountains or the Stone Forest of China.

here's where Joshua made this whole discussion even more meaningful... when he commented on how amazing "God is the God of China and all creation", i understood the deeper implication of what i said. God is both specific and general in how He relates to people. when i said that God is the God of China, it means that He's very specific in creating the people, culture, and even the sceneries are that uniquely Chinese. yet at the same time, He is general in that He made ALL things because He rules over ALL!

sometimes we tend to generalize the fact that we are all christians and we are all the same but in turn might reflect the fact that we have lost our unique identity as an individual and even a cultural group. it is important for those of us who believe in God and follow Jesus to see that we belong to ONE Lord. but at the same time, it is also important for us to appreciate who we are as individuals and cultures in our contribution to making that ONE richer and more complete. if we do not know who we are or the unique contribution we can offer from our culture, how are we to contribute to the whole of the Body of Christ?

what will happen to them?

with hand gestures, muffled voice, heavy cigarette smoke breath, tangled hair, and grey blue-ish eyes, this white lady talked to me for maybe 5 minutes. she gestured upward as if she's pointing to God. she made a circle around her stomach area and said something about "surgeries", "train ride" "washington DC"... and tried to give me fist bumps or some secret hand shake. i just nodded and looked into her eyes. at the end, i said, "God bless you" and that's about all i could say or do. she hugged me.

another encounter was this little black girl just walked up to me and said "i spilled on my jacket". (she was the cutest thing) i saw some paper towels sitting on top of an old laundry machine and started to try to soak up the stain. i said, "you got to be careful with the drink." while she was still holding on to that cup of hot cocoa or something that they were giving out along with the meals. she then said to me, "i think we need to go to the bathroom and wash it off." so we went into the bathroom. i took some more paper towels and wet it with water and started to wipe her yellow hoddie. then she said, "my mom will wash it later." then we went back to where i was standing. she ran to her mom along with her 2 other siblings while the mother was still trying to grab more shirts or pants or blankets. i think the mom said "get into the car" as they were about to leave...

before i met with our church people at one pastor's house this morning, i told myself "i'm going to learn from these people today, to try to love them and respect them as God's precious creations." i think all 30 some people went were rather nervous because it's an environment and people very unfamiliar to us. we drive nice, big vans and live in nice big houses. we have warm clothes and can choose anything we wish to eat. the only worry is "will i get fat?" or "is this healthy for me?" i think i am no different from the rest of the group.

coming away i kept wondering how will they survive this rare and harsh cold LA rain? with no shelters, their clothes or blankets will be wet. i think experiences like this always leave me feeling very helpless. i honestly can't say that we made a huge difference with the few hours of our lives pretending that maybe even doing this once every three months will be enough. maybe it's also one of my excuses for not doing anything with the homeless regularly because i just don't want to walk away feeling helpless all the time.

(despite the mental knowledge that God is all powerful and He can do something about it if people would go to Him and if He chooses to change their lives)

it did remind me of those days sharing with the villagers (the women, children, and elderly folks) in the mountains of thai-myanmar border about God's promises to bless His people. it was a rather ironic scene and experience for me back then. although at the end of that one year, i did hear of what God has done in helping the villagers thru another missionary.

but still, i wonder what will happen to the faces i saw today... what will happen to the lady who was trying so hard to communicate her pain to me? what will happen to the little girl who spilled hot cocoa on her yellow hoodie? and all the others...

receiving grace

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17 (NIV)

This is a verse that I've memorized many many years ago. Over the last 10-15 years, it has been a struggle to try to understand what it means in the context of my desire for relationship, marriage, and family. I struggled wondering if I would be able to fully comprehend what this means and just accept a biblical truth by faith even when there's not even any glimpse or possibilities on the horizon.

Well, I would have never imagined that God in His good timing would bring someone so wonderful into my life. In the past 2 1/2 months, it has been a rather surreal experience. I still want to pinch myself and make sure that I'm not dreaming. Joshua has been all that and more of what I would ask for in a man. I think it is interesting of how when so many friends and family in our lives are rejoicing and celebrating the fact that God has given us someone new and wonderful. It just seems hard to fully receive this "good and perfect gift" from God.

Maybe this is why it is so hard for people to grasp how grace and salvation and be freely given... if I can't even just rejoice and enjoy the "good and perfect gift" from God that's in a form of a wonderful man.

but I'm coming around to it... in receiving... in rejoicing... and giving thanks....

I had a GOoD night :D

it started maybe more than a week ago, when i saw Loswhit's tweet or something on Israel Houghton's MV--Just Wanna Say somehow this song was just a hit with me ever since the first hearing. from there, i went into Israel's website and saw that he was going to be at Oasis Christian Center (gosh, there sure a lot of links just from a couple of sentences :P) on April 26, 2009 (which was tonight!) (but when i went back to the website after i first saw this event, it had disappeared...)

so i marked the date down on my calender and was looking for someone to go with me. i asked sharon from GMCI (cos i think she probably will enjoy it). but sharon realized that she will be chauffeur for her sister today and might be too tired to go with me... :( and i couldn't think of anybody else...

somehow... somehow, i really really really really really wanted to go.

i was pretty determined that i was going, but going alone is not something that i was really looking forward to.

(back track to a few days ago...) so after looking through Israel's website, i was also contemplating big time as to buying his new CD--the power of one. but i think it took 1 day before i decided that i would buy it. and i do not regret this decision at all... especially finding out how he and a group of artists/writers decided to put a part of their earning into some of the poorest areas of the world. AND the music was just awesome. it's not just gospel as i had thought but a mix of jazzy, hip hop, jamaican, pop and what-nots. exactly the kind of thing that i enjoy. and when i heard another song from the CD--every prayer, just hit another chord with me. i must have listened to it more than 15 times in the last 2-3 days. and not just listen, but sing, and cry along with it. it just brings such comfort and assurance that God DOES hear our every single prayer and that HE does care...

so... back to tonight. the service was at 6pm close to the downtown area. since i am not familiar with how the parking or traffic is like, i left the house early... driving down by myself. i had a little bit of a weird feeling... like "what am i doing" kind of weird feeling. but at the same time (still playing Power of One CD in the car), one of the songs talks about how God is always with us... and it was as if i was no longer alone... God was with me tonight. not just saying but really, he is there kind of thing.

well. got there without any problem. parked the car. walked to the theater and some people were already waiting outside of the auditorium doors. within 10 min, it was getting crowded. looking through the room, most people had friends with them... maybe about 70% black and 20% white and 10% others like me. most of them had pretty hip clothes on. the deco is pretty modern and trendy. finally by 5:50 they opened the doors and people rushed in.

it was Oasis's 25th anniversary so it was kinda interesting to hear of how God has worked through their lead pastors Philip & Holly ever since the beginning. and i am thankful along with their church members of the kinds of impact this church is making for the Kingdom of God.

but i kept wondering if Israel is really going to play ... or is he just going to play a song? or what? finally ... it was announced as a part of the 25th anniversary celebration, it's going to be an hour of worship with Israel. everybody got very excited and a whole bunch of people rushed down to the front.

then it started!

it was a simple chorus to "here I am to worship" and it just took off. song after song after song.(it was a good thing that i bought the CD and have been "practicing" these few days :p) somehow that 1 hour flew by really quickly... and i think it's been too long since i really sang like that in worship... and maybe i've not danced like that since those college days at the clubs. i was really into the singing, clapping, and dancing. i was also totally amazed at Israel's guitar, vocal, worship leading, everything skills. and the stories he shared/preached about his life, receiving love from God... i was totally ministered to and felt like i was on a date with God ... but along with hundred of people in that auditorium... all singing their hearts out, reaching out their hands to God. praising God... enjoying time with Him and a pretty awesome worship time together.

i've not written something this long on my blogs for a while. and when i got home, my brain was still going at a zillion miles per hour with all the excitement of who God is. there have been different times in my life that i am just obsessed about going to a certain church or some kind of conference. tonight was one of those moments. and i just know... it was a GOoD night for me. simply awesome.

separation

from the day we are conceived
we start to separate
grow so one day we are born
born so the cord can be cut
grow bigger to crawl, walk, run
for our independence
for dreams and aspirations
because "the time" has come
to move further yet closer
to what we desire
deep down in our hearts
to the life that God has given us
a never ending process and cycle
hellos and goodbyes
until that one day
when we are no more seprated

intuition and rationalization

"the heart is the most deceptive above all..."

with my intuition and my rationalization
self discipline is more of doing
what i like, when i like, with whom i like
decisions in life can change according to the I and R.
can you even call that self discipline?

i really don't know what i want or like
except for my I and R

can i live thru life in this way?
i probablly will always depend on these two friends and foe

how does God come in all this?
is this just the way He made me?
can He tolerate me although i can't even tolerate myself this way?

to these, i have no answer
i'll continue to seek and ask

note to self today

1. result
2. process
how?

• trust; entrust (to a generous God, all knowing, able, loving, providence); belief
• (opposite of above--> driven by insecurities, worries, fears)
• humility (give God due credits to Him)
• not with my own wisdom
• love
• patience--God's timing
• let Him work!

His yoke is easy
burden is light
grace is sufficient
faith in persevering

faith is required when it's beyond my own abilities