trust is what He wants

i've recently decided to fast one day a week... for personal reasons and church needs.

today at lunch i was discussing about this with my friend. somehow she asked me how to discern God's will when there seems to have many open doors. i told her, sometimes whether a door is opened or not depends on one's perspective. i gave her the example, if i overlook the conditions of going to certain countries for missions, i think i can make it to most places in this world with no problem. but it was because i had laid down certain conditions of a environment also for my personal well being and growth, i didn't just go anywhere. same goes for choosing life partner...

but this has been a struggle for me... what's the will of God when it comes to some of those grey areas of our needs... the needs are real but not "necessary" to have in life... or there can be multiple possibilities...but as for someone's salvation, that's kinda a sure thing that when we pray, God's desire is for people to be saved (spelled out clearly somewhere in John)... but other areas are not that black and white... and so one week i was praying for something to go one way, the next, i am wondering if what i prayed is God's will and what if it's not then maybe i need to pray the other way???? (so confusing...)

well, our librarian, julie recommended me to read this book on spiritual discipline. as i was reading it on the MRT, it dawned on me that not being sure of how things will definitely turn out is where HE wants us to be... by not being sure, i would have to cry out to HIM and trust HIM every single moment in my life when it comes to these decisions... God can choose to give or not give...He's sovereign. He knows what's best for us... but He always wants us to give our full attention to HIM.

it's not for us to "know" but to "trust"... not sure if it makes sense... we will know eventually but in the process we just need to trust Him... the Sovereign God who is faithfull and good... loving and just...

the other day, a friend was very upset because of relationship problems... i didn't know how to counsel her and pray for them... last year a girl was going to SA and needed my advice when she didn't seem to get her visa in time... i told them both...i don't know how to pray for you... i don't know... i just pray and ask God for wisdom and His Will to be shown...

now i know... it's in these "i don't know" moments that God becomes real and the only One we could possibily grab on to... He's the only One we can trust... Trust and obey, for there's no other way... and "I'd rather have Jesus than anything..."

reminders of home

it's amazing how certain places, food, people, music, atmosphere can remind me of a place that i probably would identify most as "home". Last night i was with two girls, (1 american, 1 taiwanese who has stayed in the US for a short period of time) shopping at this supermarket called "liberty". they sell a lot of food from the US or AU. it was so funny that we were wooing and wowing over things that u can find usually in other supermarkets here. seeing these things reminded me of home.


and a moment ago, it felt even more so. strange as it might sound, i was at the US embassy adding pages to my passport. (or maybe not so strange now that i think of it) somehow the smell, and the architecture, the tight security??? the fountain, the clerk, not all familiar since i've never been there b4, yet gave me that few minutes of a sense of "home".

maybe it's mom's and mei's attacks of "come home"s lately, plus my serious consideration and dissucussious with diff ppl over this, it is getting to me a little. yet i know clearly that my place is to be here and do all the things that God wants me to do here. most people leave their homes because they want a better life, higher degrees, more opportunities, more freedom, more spaces. but this group of people who call themselves missionaries are diff. it's a high calling with high ideals... a sure ideal, too... :P there are many many testimonies of such men and women...

Jesus's call to follow Him has a high price to pay--family, friends, familiar surroundings, home... well, call me an idealist then. the reward is far greater, eternal...

what i hate most

ever since young, what i hate most is to be falsely accused. i was hit again... tonight...

through the phone conversation, keep hearing the other person talking about this and that is the way it is... as if i am a child who was born yesterday... i was thinking, am i stupid? have i not seen the world more than you've had? on the contrary, from my experience interacting with the person, my pride tells me that i'm far better off than she is... :P i also knew that it is no use if i would defend myself or argue back. (i think i clarified a little bit at the end.) i wasn't sure if i should just hang up the phone and pretend that something happened to the phone...(oops, something was wrong with my phone...) hahaha... (hee hee... my evilness is coming out.. ha ha ha...) or... the possibilities are endless...

while i was listening to the person talk, my blood pressure was building up... but i was praying in my heart, "God, give me the patience that is needed. Help me to be humbled. I might have more experience and even more abilities than this person, I still need to be humble and try to learn whatever this person has to offer. Afterall, this Kingdom building business is not mine. It's God's and God uses us all differently." i survived the phone conversation... but coming out from it, i was also wondering... all this chinese-ness of politeness that i was exercising, would it become this "fu1 yan3" thing that i am doing... i really didn't have the heart or the mind to listen, but being chinesee and polite, i endured... endured... such a painful yet truthful word...

sigh... i find that there are always so much growth to do in this journey of life, this ministry that God has called me to be faithful to...

(one of the "accusations"... holding too tightly and expecting a group of people will always stay in one church...)
finding balance is hard... being put "in charge" of a group of people or even have people crossing your path means (after these few years in SG and having learned from a close friend, fabulous leader ;)) God wants you to be "reponsible" in taking care of them (spend time to find out things in their lives so you can encourage them along...) yet at the same time, only God knows EVERYTHING that happens in people's lives and HE would watch over every step of their way... although i might be responsible for the people crossing my path, God's still the BOSS. He is in charge and He has His timing to heal, to convict, etc...

sigh... i know that ultimately i want to learn to be humbled and that's a life long lessson... and it gets harder as time goes...as experiences increase, as knowledge increases... but... got to continue to learn it...