the last leg

finally finished reading the 3rd required book for my fuller application around 2am on Monday (or rather it was already Tuesday... ). actually this was much later than my intended time of finishing by last Wednesday. i guess i still don't know myself and my circumstances that well.

been having farewell parties and dinners with friends... uncle morley and aunt sophie were here for the big evangelistic meeting for the chinese churches over the weekend... all these i had anticipated but maybe not the anticipation of the amount energy consumed. (what am i saying? i can't write!!!)

sigh... thus why i am still dragging my feet from writing my 10-page paper for the application and blogging away right now. i don't think it's that hard to write this paper since i have a pretty good outline in front of me. but i am plagued by fears right now. fears that i won't be able to hit the main points from the books. fears that i won't be able to find substantiate proof from the books to support the points. basically... fear of failure.

although i know this is normal (who is not afraid to fail?) and a lot of these thoughts are not very valid. i might not be the best thinker/writer in the world, but i think i do have some inherent abilities to analyze and write (thanks to good genes from mom and dad ).

just feel like screaming and beating myself up so i would just get to it.

i got an email from Fuller's admissions counselor this morning. both good and bad news for me. the email was sent to remind the applicants of the impending doom... (err... ha... deadline) of Sept 1. but at the same time saying that if anyone needs extra time, please let them know. LOL i think this is called grace and understanding from the school. even if i would take up their offer, i still won't have enough time with all the appointments lined up (ey, G and YL, don't take this as a hint to cancellation of our trip this weekend, k?).

sigh... so pray for me. i also need to pray and just trust God to carry me through. for the Holy Spirit to inspire and remind of all the things I've read and learned. just give my best and leave the rest to God... plus there are appointments abound and i am looking forward to spending time with people... (although i can never spend enough time with people)

Gambate!!!

managing finances on mac

any mac owner has a good finance management software to recommend?

God is good... all the time...

i think sometimes this statement is demonstrated in small things and with a grateful heart.

these few days have been very stressful with saying goodbyes (and realizing there's never enough time to spend with people you care about... ), rushing and trying like mad to finish reading for the Fuller application (and not doing very well with the schedule you want to keep), trying to coordinate our family's china trip cross countries and continents, and wanting to keep myself sane in the midst of all this (by trying to keep some routines like QT, jogging, eating right...)

well, somehow things were blowing up out of proportion in my head and stress level was rather high.

i wanted to spoil myself a little in compensation of the stress that was boiling inside of me. growing up in a family that loves food and uses food to express love, this is where i turned to tonight.

first... pre-dinner comfort-a cup of decaf, non-fat milk latte at starbucks
(that helped a little in calming my nerves)

2nd... yummy asian style burger at Mos Burger with G
(we had good laughs)

then...

we were at bugis and when we walked by hotel intercontinental, i remembered this bakery shop that used to sell things at 1/2 price after 8 or 9pm. thought we just walk by and check out the cakes. and to our pleasant surprise, they are running a promotion. two slices of cakes for S$10! and we just stood there marveling at all the beautiful and yummy looking cakes. at the end i decided on their royal chocolate and something mascarpone.

G and i then walked to the raffles hotel and found a quiet corner, sat there and enjoyed our cakes! the royal chocolate had a layer of mousse on top, chocolate syrup, raspberry sprinkled with golden dust. the bottom of the cake is made with crunchy peanut butter, candy bar, solid tasting thing. the mascarpone cheesecake thingy had liquored soaked cheery mixed in with the cheese... the rest was a blur since it was so yummy... it was heavenly, yet very sinful.

on the way home, i had this wonderful feeling of satisfaction. and thinking... God is so good to me, supplying my small craving in a stressful time waaaaaay beyond i can ever imagine.

man.. i'll need to go jogging again tomorrow morning.. to redeem my sins...

(hope G's pix turn out)

new toy--grace upon grace

"grace upon grace" is the name of my new toy. it's my new macbook pro!

been planning to get a new laptop computer for months. been praying and asking people to pray for sufficient fund. thanks to many good friends who responded when i said i have this need for a new laptop by giving me some money as my parting gift. i also sold my electric piano as a part of the contribution to the macbook pro fund. then thankfully my landlady moved back so she cut down the rent and is paying for the utilities (which also allow me to save some money on my monthly expenses)...

so the money part was more or less taken cared of. then it's the issue of when and where and which specs of macbook pro to purchase. thus started the hunt of my macbook pro.

i've always known that NTU has the best deals especially since they include a 3-yr warranty and a carrying bag. but just to doubly, triply make sure, i waited till the PC show at the beginning of June and check their price and package they might offer. to my disappointment, the apple people at the PC show weren't very helpful and even had a hint of "i don't care if you buy our product or not". not very helpful and not very cheap. the sales lady told us that most models of macbook pros are out of stock everywhere in singapore at the time. she didn't even offer for me to take an order and wait for it to come... so the day after we went to the PC show, my friend went to the NTU computer shop to order one from there. well, the apple sales lady was right. somehow after the PC show, they were totally out of stock of anything macbook. but at least the sales person at NTU was nicer. told my friend that we can order and maybe the new shipment will come by August.

by mid or end-July, got the news from james that NTU/NUS is having IT fair at the beginning of the new academic year. free upgrade of the Mac new OS leopard will be given. i was already pretty happy with the 3-yr warranty and carrying bag. the free upgrade is definitely welcomed (although i didn't know what kind of awesome and cool things that leopard can do till these couple of days..)

well, to cut the story shorter (i need to go to bed!)... i finally got the macbook pro last friday. (after lots of walking around the crowded NTU campus on a rainy friday and complications)

when i was picking up the macbook pro, FJ was with me. when we ordered the macbook pro, crab had already told me the specs and gifts, but i didn't really take note. so when FJ saw the adobe creative suite 3 (web premium), (if he was sitting) jumped out of the chair. and the next morning, going the 5th mile, superchrisho came to see if he can revive my late ibook's HD. seeing the free softwares given, he was also totally shocked and said this would cost about S$1,000 out there on the market.

so when i was talking with one friend who contributed to this computer, it suddenly dawned on me. all this waiting was very worth while! i have so many added bonuses (besides getting a really cool machine to begin with...) because i was "forced" to wait for apple to catch up on the popular demand of their amazing machines. (plus i think there was such delay due to the sales of iphone...)

at the end of this story, i hope that this macbook pro will last much longer than my late ibook. hopefully more beautiful music can be recorded through "grace upon grace" and beautiful photos, multimedia presentations will be made for the contribution of missions and God's kingdom. i am thankful that i get to enjoy using this baby everyday.

moved...

the NTU ESC (English speaking corner) hosted a farewell party for me yesterday. i had some vague idea of what might happen and had sent out email asking people to pray for me because i want to take this chance to share what's most pressing on my heart--salvation and a vital relationship in Jesus Christ. i had very little time to really sit down and prepare what i wanted to say, but i knew that i wanted to share some songs with them. i feel singing is the best medium for me to share my heart and gift that i can give to these dear friends.

i had not really thought about how i would feel to say goodbye to these friends that i've spent saturday mornings... somehow, i've never been really good in showing my emotions in front of people (except for when i am leading worship... i think...)

i didn't really cry but had a few tears rolling in my eyes but never really came out...

i was very moved by this special video edited/threaded by SM and YM. it was made up of clips of people's farewell messages to me. there are some funny things that people said but mostly heart felt words and genuine feelings expressed. i think i was especially touched when this girl HP said something to the effect of how ESC has been a very special time for her and whenever people said they have learned things through the lessons.

after ESC's party, i also visited the NTU cellgroup because it was bear's birthday and i wanted to celebrate with him before i go (but sorry ah... i didn't get any gifts for you.). at the end of the meeting, they wanted to pray for me and asked if i have anything to share with them. i said... i was very grateful that i had the opportunity to have some closure by visiting the cellgroup one last time. my contact with NTU started when i decided to help the NTU cell around sept 2003. but i left the cellgroup a couple or a year ago due to various reasons. to be able to go back and visit again was very good. maybe it was good because i get to see how people have grown over the years.

well... when they prayed for me... i cried. i think, it was because of the deep relationships that we've invested into one another's lives and knowing that we probably wont be able to spend as much time talking face to face with one another in the future. i was also moved because of people's gratitude of what my life has imparted to them. that meant a lot to me because that's what i sought to do all these years.

three more weeks left before i depart from singapore. there are going to be more and more farewell parties and dinners coming up.

pray that i'll have good closure time with people and treasure every moment we'll share before i go...

funny classical performers

got two links these two days from greenwei and former teacher HS... pretty funny stuff...

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/ver/223/popup/index.php?cl=3400917
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jiu0RNizU8

saying goodbyes

went to MOM and cancelled my employment pass today. it's a funny feeling somehow... although not much has changed (except that i can't work in singapore from today onwards), it just felt weird. 4 yrs passed by just like that...

well, it took me about 2 hours to take care of a 5 minute business. i guess i went at the wrong time (right at noon) and there were more than 200 numbers in queue in front of me. i guess MOM is still pretty efficient in comparison to most places in the world.

so... last tuesday, EAST already gave me a farewell lunch (along with JT). been having series of farewell meals and more to come with ESC this Sat, and faith CG in a couple weeks time...

...

well... been looking into getting a new macbook pro and finally got the phone call from crab saying that they will have what i ordered on friday. the salesman offered to take in my old thinkpad for a very small sum of money (but still money). if i finally decide to do that, i'll have to part with my thinkpad on friday as well.

suddenly feels a little scared to lose those that are familiar to me...

maybe this is what it's all about. mixed emotions of sadness, fear, and also looking into possibilities of the future life...

after thoughts of northern Malaysia trip

somehow after 8 yrs in asia, i never managed to go to ipoh until last week. i had a lot of mixed emotions when we were going there, arriving there, being there, and leaving there. i couldn't really put my thoughts in words until last night...

on the bus back to singapore, i was talking with jw about gong gong. somehow even after gong gong's passing for so many years, talking about him still brought tears to my eyes. i truly miss him.

ever since we got off the bus at medan kit, i was trying to imagine how Ipoh used to be when gong gong was living there. as we went thru the day, i also came to the realization that yesterday has passed. there's no way for me to truly "feel" the ipoh of gong gong's days.

but from my observation of the people and the life there, there are a lot of "traditions" preserved especially in the food that we tried. of course there are newer inventions and foods from other influences, but when we were in the dim sum restaurant early sunday morning with all the people speaking in cantonese, drinking tea, socializing, i think there was a glimpse of what it could have been like. (i still think it's rather far from how it was...)

while talking with jw about my family's past (particularly mom's family), i never grow tired of the fascinating and complicated history. from malaysia back to china, to HK, taiwan then the rest of the world, the Lees are truly multi-cultural and embracing of all peoples. then i thought of why is this so... of the places my family has lived, taken root, infected by those different lands' cultures...

i think i am grateful. grateful of my heritage, complicated, inherited cultures and values.

well, there's another root finding trip coming up in Sept to china... maybe it's the continuation of this discovery of who i am and how i've been affected by my family's past in creating who i am today.

to be cont...

Happy 'Ba ba' jie (Father's day)

today is Aug 8. in chinese it's "ba ba"... in taiwan, this is our father's day.

just want to wish my dad a happy "ba ba" jie. and the same goes to all the current and future fathers. :)

here's a prayer that i wrote on june 18 (the western father's day)
=====================================
dear Lord

pray for You to bless the fathers
of children young and old
pray for Your wisdom, fearlessness
trust in You
guide for their children
strength and courage to trust in You
pray for nations to be built
because of fathers taking on their tasks and responsibilities
honorable and high callings
for them to be good examples for their children
for their children to experience who You are even thru their earthly fathers
may You be honored and glorified
because of men who submit themselves, humbly to You
seeking Your heart and will for themselves and their families
pray for spiritual leadership
righteousness and justice
health and love
grace and mercy
just as You have shown them

Jay Chou-不能说的.秘密 MV

Link
(click above link to see the MV from another multiply-er's site)
guess i am somewhat a jay chou fan by now... (usually would sing at least one or two of his songs at karaoke sessions)

his new movie is out today. this is the new song from the movie. i kinda like the melancholy feeling to the song... some sweetness and some bitterness. tru romantic sentiment.

anti virus software

my norton finally expired today, which created a fright and a sense of insecurity within me when i saw that message popping up again. i've been very "guai" and used norton (because my computer expert older sister seemed to always insist on the paid version of anti-virus to be more reliable ) but since i'm changing laptop soon (hopefully), i didn't see any point to renew my subscription (which can only be used for the computer that it registered for). so i decided to try out the "free" avast (which i think most people use)...

i am not sure if it's just my imagination, but my laptop seems to be running much faster after removing norton anti-virus after i installed avast. i've always heard that norton takes up a lot of memory space and avast doesn't.

well... still think i should listen to my sis... but then again... avast is free and my computer runs faster now.

(ok... prepare for bullet proof vest i'm ready, jie! shoot! )

living and the dead

was at dear friend mala's father's wake this afternoon
he passed away last night
they had struggled with his caner for the past two years or so

they only have one day of wake
tomorrow is the funeral
no casket, just a body lying in the living room
covered by a silk sheet with embroidery
with recorded hindu chanting playing over and over
flower pedals spread on and around his body
his lifeless, breathless body

wish i could have met him while he was still alive
mala said "i will miss him"
tears fell

i can't imagine what kind of laughter he had
the life he lived
surrounded by his children and grandchildren

there was incense burning
some offerings of coconuts and other fruits

i sat there
watching the women chattering away around the lifeless body
all in tamil
were they ignoring the fact that someone has passed?
or they simply believe that he is passing on to the next life?
i wasn't sure
while the men sat outside also talking to each other

somehow the sorrow, the smell of the incense, the recorded chanting
all were too much for me
i'm sure it's even more overwhelming to dear mala

just continue to pray that the living will be comforted
while tears continues, peace will come from above

start of the 2nd book

went to TTC library and borrowed the 2nd book that i need to read for the 10-page paper for fuller application...

the cover is very pretty. and the content is focusing on biblical view of missions or rather exergetical synthesis of the bible on the topic of missions.

hopefully i will be able to finish it much faster than the last one since i'm taking some time off to stay at home and read...

gambate to me!

back to Singapore

just came back to sg last night around 11pm. the plane was jammed packed and i ran into dr james huang and his wife. it was nice to catch up with them a bit and have some company on the plane. i think it was special providence from the Lord. i was also very fortunate to have my friend tracey pick me up at the airport.

this morning went back to NTU ESC since i've been away for 2 saturdays. felt a little guilty that i can't help as much as i can before i depart from here. we went around asking everyone for their best vacation or memories in life. i shared about my trip to taiwan. i sorta rushed thru the sharing and didn't think i did a very good job so want to recap and write out my experience on this trip.

1. it was nice to be re-acquainted to taiwan again after so many years. although i've gone back several times in the past few years (due to weddings and wedding dinners), somehow this trip brought a more complete pictures of where taiwan has progressed to today. the subway train system seems to have brought a lot of good to taipei. people are better mannered, line up to get into the trains, and the trains/train stations were very clean...

i thought the funniest thing is that people are so afraid to sit in the "priority seats" (seats reserved for the elderly, pregnant women, children, and those with physical disabilities). i heard at least two or three times that the teenagers joking about feeling very "paiseh" to sit in those seats.

2. good service. almost all the service staff everywhere were all very polite and nice and patient. they always greet you when you enter the store and try very hard to be helpful.

3. good food. there are just so many varieties of foods with a lot of japanese influence. ms G and i really loved all the beautiful and yummy cakes. as a result, i'm going on diet again in the coming weeks... (even my hairdresser commented that i've gained weight... )

4. more visible presence of Christianity. the church reaching out with creative ways and great emphasis on missions work around the world. the day before i came back, i was invited to a restaurant workers' fellowship meeting because a lady was being baptised. i just thought it was so wonderful to know that the Gospel is being spread to the common people. i also paid a visit to steve, an old friend from Wa. he was sharing with me of this project that his group has embarked on--"ark #1", which is a traveling truck that would allow their band to perform in the night markets in order to share the Gospel with the masses. pray that God will make their path smooth and go ahead of them so that many will come to His saving grace.

another two ways of evangelism are my godmother's old folks college and radio programs. i visited two Christian radio stations by chance and read one station's 30th anniversary magazine and realized that when i was young, some of the children from church were invited to record children's radio shows. so cool to be linked back to things that we've done in the past.

5. this is more on a personal side... family or familee. i was able to visit aunt milly's new home and stayed briefly. she looked really good despite the fact that she just had a big tumor removed and is going to go thru chemotherapy. i also went hiking with ken and terry... later went to their house for dinner. (terry cooked!) their little apartment looked fantastic with all the interesting storage spaces hidden (will post pix). i also sat thru a radio interview of ken at the goodnews station. i was very moved to hear stories of his life that i've never had the chance to hear of. i know that God has been really good to our familee and been using all of us in different corners and parts of the world.

this is longer than i would like to usually write but i guess i had a lot of thoughts after this 2-week trip.

actually... i am hoping that i'll have more chance to interact with all the people i've met. they've all blessed me A LOT.

caught in the craze %-)

i've only been in taiwan for a week and i've fallen in love with this new young mandarin pop singer--yang zong wei. (here's a link to this tw website that allows you to listen for 30 min worth of free songs if you register... not sure if it works outside of tw... http://web.ezpeer.com/cd/c31344s7665.html)

in the few interviews that i've seen, he seems to be a very plain, simple, straight forward, nice, and honest guy that you would trust letting your daughter go out alone with.

actually this is one of those "american idol", "project superstar", "britain's got talent" type of singing competition. this group, xin guan bang (star light gang), is the result of the competition.

i think i can listen to this guy sing all night long and not get bored.

death by taiwanese food

it's been 5 days since i came back to taiwan. it's amazing how much you can eat in 5 days and the variety of foods they offer here. funny girl G has been repeating herself with the phrase "i can die here" because of all the good foods. (will post pix later)

well, today finally had a chance to stop from serious eating and do some damage control. i went hiking with my cousin ken, his wife terry, and lilian (a family friend). we went to the famous "yan ming shan". somehow in all my years in taiwan, i've never been hiking there even once. maybe it's because i grew up with a dad who doesn't like to hike (so he said in the car tonight).

thank God that the weather was super nice. when i woke up in the morning and looked out the window, i thought.. "gosh.. it looks hot and humid and maybe it will rain... not sure how i am going to survive today's hike" but as i went out, there was this nice breeze. although i was already sweating by just walking around on the street, it felt good because of the breeze.

we met around 10:30 at the Bei Tou MRT station and waited for a bus while we caught up with one another's lives. took this small bus up the mountain and started off on this trial by a temple. it was all uphill!!! we must have climbed uphill for hours but we took short breaks in between and enjoyed some fruits and food they prepared. the majority of the hike was uphill which was nice (because i really hate how going downhill can be so slippery and scary... and it hurts my knees and thighs). we walked thru this place that used to be the opening of a volcano and there used to be a small lake but it's all dried up now. well, to cut the story short, it was a very hard hike but rewarding hike because i had a break from eating and could do some serious exercise to sweat off all the calories and oil from fried chicken chop, din tai feng's "real" meat little steamed bao, yummy taiwanese style tapanyaki, all the delicious and delicate cakes from any bakery in the city, shaved ice desserts, bubble tea, grass jelly milk tea, dan shui fish balls... etc...

the entire hike took us nearly 6 hours to complete. LOL but it was really worth it.

(warning: food pictures posted in a later time might turn friends to enemies. if you cannot tahan and still want to be my friend, please don't look at the pictures. )

if..., would you?

if you search deep into your heart
your intuition, your subconsciousness
would you find that you do love and care for me as i do for you?

if you look into the songs you sent to me before
would you see that there's a common theme and message?

if you think back of our time together tonight
would you realize that we belong together
just like how it was tonight?

if you ever gotten the courage
would you let me know of how you truly feel inside?

if you truly treasure me as who i am
would you abandon your fears and committ to me and me alone?

if we could start on a different note in a different time and space
would we end up happily ever after?

if you would examine how much time we also interact with each other
would you find that we have occupied much of each other's life?

if,
would you?

Happy Independence Day!

Just want to be a little patriotic here... Although there was no fireworks or hamburgers, I did go out tonight and had some brownies (without ice cream) with some friends. Although I didn't say anything about it, it was on my mind all day long.

Just want to say Happy Independence Day, America!

Although I only grew up partly in America, there have been much positive influence (and negative ) upon my life during those years. My high school and college days were very important in shaping who I am today. Having been away for so many years, I've also grown to treasure the freedom, the space, the abundance of everything, and some good values that I experienced there.

Just pray that the American people would turn back to the good Lord who has so richly blessed this amazing country and her people. Pray that the country and people will stand up for righteousness and justice and please God with our lives.

separation

from the day we are conceived
we start to separate
grow so one day we are born
born so the cord can be cut
grow bigger to crawl, walk, run
for our independence
for dreams and aspirations
because "the time" has come
to move further yet closer
to what we desire
deep down in our hearts
to the life that God has given us
a never ending process and cycle
hellos and goodbyes
until that one day
when we are no more seprated

intuition and rationalization

"the heart is the most deceptive above all..."

with my intuition and my rationalization
self discipline is more of doing
what i like, when i like, with whom i like
decisions in life can change according to the I and R.
can you even call that self discipline?

i really don't know what i want or like
except for my I and R

can i live thru life in this way?
i probablly will always depend on these two friends and foe

how does God come in all this?
is this just the way He made me?
can He tolerate me although i can't even tolerate myself this way?

to these, i have no answer
i'll continue to seek and ask

pirates and persumptions

just watched pirates, the worlds end.... finally!!!!

tks to G who agree to go with me and sit thru that 168 minutes of thrill and laughs.

i actually thought it was entertaining and so did G. ok ok... people are right in saying that there were parts that moved too slowly but i think it's still faster than spiderman 3. :p people said there's no plot and storyline, i still saw a coherent theme running thru it. people say that there were too many characters introduced but aren't they all still supporting the main characters who got a fair share of the screen time? (yipee for seeing orlando bloom's handsome face on the big screen for quite a few shots) :D

i still appreciate the adventures and the focus on freedom (that's basically what they were fighting for). the romance was too cheesy for me. special effects, make up and costumes were really cool. (tons of stunt people were used since we sat thru the credits to watch "the very end" of the movie...) this 3rd movie also answered a lot of questions that were raised in the 2nd movie, introduced the pirates' world/culture, exposed the imaginative side of people for the ever changing seas. oh, and chow yun fat! too bad that he died too early in the movie. :(

so another conclusion i have about this movie and movie watching in general is that people will usually stick to their presumptions of certain movies, trilogies, and actors. i pretty much have very good vibes and liked the last two pirates movies, love the main actors and anticipated that i would be able to find interesting lines, stories, analogies, thoughts from this movie. i knew i would like it actually...

but for many of my friends who never liked johnny depp or the other two pirates movies, i hear more negative comments.

unless it's a horrendous movie that's beyond hope, i think hollywood captures this presumptuous side of people. i hope ocean's 13 is not just a whole bunch of handsome guys in redeeming the price i pay for the movie... ha.. :D

Pirates are coming...

Happy Mother's day!

Just want to wish all mothers out there a very happy and blessed mother's day! Also... for all spiritual moms out there. You might not have your own biological children but you have many spiritual children out there, lives touched by your nurturing.

Thank you for your sacrifices, love, care, food, heart to heart chats, prayers, tears...

wow... amazing...

last saturday when i went out jogging, i prayed to God... "help me to know that You love me..." then a bird poo pooed on me. i thought... "so much for asking God to show me love..."

but this morning as i think back, there were many things that happened to me that were pretty amazing...

monday... treated to a penang buffet at the king's copthrone hotel. it was yummilicious. :d
tuesday... lots of fun and free food with the BBTC YAM at pasir ris park with 5 friends from ESC.
wednesday... free tickets to "phantom of the opera" (not just any seat but really good circle one seats) with my good friend, ey... we enjoyed pretty good food and the sunset view at the marina sq food loft. she drove us there and to esplanade and home!
today... beautiful blue sky on the way to work. OH... and i won the EAST t-shirt design contest! $100 dollars and people get to wear my new design.

i think God is amazing...

all i ask of you

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA lyrics

why do waves all come crashing at once?

actually by nature, waves come not all at once. one comes after another. maybe there are times when it becomes more intense.

just yesterday i felt like i was under tons of pressure and today i am doing much better. it was all the decisions piling and all the uncertainties crashing. but all in a day's work, it was done.

this last trip with "the ladies" was set (timing, pricing, location). the dates for our extended family trip to china were set. decision about what to do for ESC this week was decided (cancel and invite the group to BBTC's FITS next tuesday). compilation of the year end survey results for EAST is almost done. just finished the last exit interview for the graduating students. i guess that's about all... oh ya! and the ICC situation with some brothers and sisters attending the church with questionable teachings was also settled all within a couple of days work (thank God!).

note to self today

1. result
2. process
how?

• trust; entrust (to a generous God, all knowing, able, loving, providence); belief
• (opposite of above--> driven by insecurities, worries, fears)
• humility (give God due credits to Him)
• not with my own wisdom
• love
• patience--God's timing
• let Him work!

His yoke is easy
burden is light
grace is sufficient
faith in persevering

faith is required when it's beyond my own abilities

silent retreat

a couple days ago, some of the EAST students went on a retreat. by retreat, this is a real retreat... going to a quiet place (in singapore, this is kinda rare), staying away from the noise and busyness... and not talking to one another for the majority of the time when we were there! (even during our meals)

the whole idea was to consciously block out all the noise and so refrain from talking. reading only the Bible and no other books, so we can practice "listening to God".

thru out the retreat, we had a facilitator (here's his blog) who went thru some debatable practices on meditation and biblical interpretation methods (or maybe we just needed more time for him to explain further before we practiced them?). despite all the discussions and the controversies that i've been hearing since the retreat, personally, i thought i benefited from this type of spiritual discipline exercise.

somehow, thru the 1 1/2 days retreat, i realized that i have been avoiding reading the Bible much because of this issue of trust. i find that i don't really trust God anymore so reading God's Word doesn't mean much to me... (if you don't trust someone, you probably won't really listen to his/her words...) i need to deal with my disappointments of things not taking place according to what i had imagined God doing. somehow God was bringing to my attention of the fact that He has His timing in all things and He does not fail in fulfilling His promises.

i also continued to struggle with "my dark side" (critical spirit, judgmental, unforgiving, etc.) and not knowing how to reconcile with "the force" (no lah... my good side... compassionate, loving, accepting, etc.). i also couldn't reconcile the two seemingly opposing sides, which are also exhibited so clearly in God. somehow, as i continued to think that i probably will need some time to reconcile it all, i caught the bus ride home with one of our students JT. he asked me what i've learned from the retreat and so i told him about my problem. i finally finished when i was about to get off the bus and walk home. he has started to counsel me and simply pointed out that what i was experiencing can possibly be some form of spiritual attack. the evil one knows that the Lord is bringing new things into my life so attacks/distractions came. he got off the bus with me and pray for me. somehow ever since then, i've felt much easier about my struggles.

ultimately, i just thank God in orchestrating every person and every event that played a part for where i am today, especially for my recent struggles. i think i've reached a place that i feel much more at peace although there are still some fears about the future that are plaguing me. i guess i'll just have to take one step at a time and see how the Lord will continue to lead and provide grace needed along the way.