what will happen to them?

with hand gestures, muffled voice, heavy cigarette smoke breath, tangled hair, and grey blue-ish eyes, this white lady talked to me for maybe 5 minutes. she gestured upward as if she's pointing to God. she made a circle around her stomach area and said something about "surgeries", "train ride" "washington DC"... and tried to give me fist bumps or some secret hand shake. i just nodded and looked into her eyes. at the end, i said, "God bless you" and that's about all i could say or do. she hugged me.

another encounter was this little black girl just walked up to me and said "i spilled on my jacket". (she was the cutest thing) i saw some paper towels sitting on top of an old laundry machine and started to try to soak up the stain. i said, "you got to be careful with the drink." while she was still holding on to that cup of hot cocoa or something that they were giving out along with the meals. she then said to me, "i think we need to go to the bathroom and wash it off." so we went into the bathroom. i took some more paper towels and wet it with water and started to wipe her yellow hoddie. then she said, "my mom will wash it later." then we went back to where i was standing. she ran to her mom along with her 2 other siblings while the mother was still trying to grab more shirts or pants or blankets. i think the mom said "get into the car" as they were about to leave...

before i met with our church people at one pastor's house this morning, i told myself "i'm going to learn from these people today, to try to love them and respect them as God's precious creations." i think all 30 some people went were rather nervous because it's an environment and people very unfamiliar to us. we drive nice, big vans and live in nice big houses. we have warm clothes and can choose anything we wish to eat. the only worry is "will i get fat?" or "is this healthy for me?" i think i am no different from the rest of the group.

coming away i kept wondering how will they survive this rare and harsh cold LA rain? with no shelters, their clothes or blankets will be wet. i think experiences like this always leave me feeling very helpless. i honestly can't say that we made a huge difference with the few hours of our lives pretending that maybe even doing this once every three months will be enough. maybe it's also one of my excuses for not doing anything with the homeless regularly because i just don't want to walk away feeling helpless all the time.

(despite the mental knowledge that God is all powerful and He can do something about it if people would go to Him and if He chooses to change their lives)

it did remind me of those days sharing with the villagers (the women, children, and elderly folks) in the mountains of thai-myanmar border about God's promises to bless His people. it was a rather ironic scene and experience for me back then. although at the end of that one year, i did hear of what God has done in helping the villagers thru another missionary.

but still, i wonder what will happen to the faces i saw today... what will happen to the lady who was trying so hard to communicate her pain to me? what will happen to the little girl who spilled hot cocoa on her yellow hoodie? and all the others...

jumping on the bandwagon (that might have left already)

Thanks to elderj and David Park and various newly acquainted AA (Asian American) friends, I've recently been exposed to the "Deadly Viper" controversy (which should be more or less over by now)... but I think the discussions about culture, race and Christianity continue

Just had some thoughts this morning that I'd like to share...

So far, it seems that the AA community involved (or those who are sympathetic and understanding) feel rather cheated by the turn of events. Because even with the book being pulled off the shelf and an official apology from Zondervan, it's like merely throwing a small rock in the ocean. There's no big change in the bigger American Christian community.

So here's my thought... If we (AA) are trying to educate the non-AAs on our culture and background, how about some more proactive actions?

It's true that images of Kungfu fighting (or movies, TV series) are a tiny bit of what the Asian culture is all about. Why not take it a step further? Take it as an opportunity to take people further into our own cultural background and things that we are proud of. (maybe we need more people in the media and entertainment business to create more opportunities? and of course more interpersonal interactions?)

But as a 1.5 Gen Chinese-American, I am not quite sure what all I can present to those non-Chinese as to the pride of my cultural background and what it's all about. As I've started to research and explore this complex subject, hopefully I'll have more to offer in the days to come.

receiving grace

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17 (NIV)

This is a verse that I've memorized many many years ago. Over the last 10-15 years, it has been a struggle to try to understand what it means in the context of my desire for relationship, marriage, and family. I struggled wondering if I would be able to fully comprehend what this means and just accept a biblical truth by faith even when there's not even any glimpse or possibilities on the horizon.

Well, I would have never imagined that God in His good timing would bring someone so wonderful into my life. In the past 2 1/2 months, it has been a rather surreal experience. I still want to pinch myself and make sure that I'm not dreaming. Joshua has been all that and more of what I would ask for in a man. I think it is interesting of how when so many friends and family in our lives are rejoicing and celebrating the fact that God has given us someone new and wonderful. It just seems hard to fully receive this "good and perfect gift" from God.

Maybe this is why it is so hard for people to grasp how grace and salvation and be freely given... if I can't even just rejoice and enjoy the "good and perfect gift" from God that's in a form of a wonderful man.

but I'm coming around to it... in receiving... in rejoicing... and giving thanks....

i'm blessed

many months ago when i planned my asia trip, i think i was pretty greedy because i wanted to try to see as many of my friends and spend as much time with them as possible.

in the past 2 1/2 days, i already feel very blessed by g, ey, and yl who went all the way to KL to meet me and spend time with me and pampering me. i was sitting there at this fancy lunch today thinking... "what did i do to deserve friendships like this?" so when they brought out the very pretty strawberry cake, i made a wish. and i told them... "i wish that our friendship will last for a long time and that all of you will be happy in life as well."

and it's not just these three friends who not only made my birthday and life special, but all of you as well.

and this is only the beginning of my trip. i know that i'm going to continue to be blessed and pampered by many of you.

from the depths of my heart. thank you.

Fearless by Max Lucado

Thanks to twitter, I got the news that Thomas Nelson publishing company was giving away free copies of Max Lucado's newest book Fearless. But since I was too late in getting the initial hundreds of copies, I found out that I can also get a free copy by agreeing to blog about the book after I've read it... (you can find more info from here)

so here goes...

Just like the previous books that I've read by Max Lucado, this is another insightful and interesting read. Max addresses our fears encountering the economic crisis, daily news of disasters and wars, and those closer to home anxieties over our loved ones, our own life, diseases, inadequacies and future. Max is an excellent story teller using various perspectives that grippes my attention through out the book. But I appreciate how he makes the Bible verses, stories come to life in using today's terms or parallels. He also gives us practical steps to take in confronting fears.

I think growing up, I wanted to make sure that I can overcome my fears by doing exactly what I fear. But over the years, with more experiences in life, it's becoming harder for me to overcome my fears. This book is a good reminder that although I might feel powerless in confronting my fears like before, what is most important is that I know who God and Jesus is and what He is capable of doing (and even what He has done in the past through out history). By soaking myself in His Word and His promises, getting to know Him more, rely upon Him more, pray more, being involved with the Body of Christ... all the basics of Christian living, that IS how we can confront fears and overcoming them.

I definitely recommend this book to everyone out there. I think even though I've finished the book, I'll go back to it time after time to just find some encouragement and hope facing the fears in my life.

I had a GOoD night :D

it started maybe more than a week ago, when i saw Loswhit's tweet or something on Israel Houghton's MV--Just Wanna Say somehow this song was just a hit with me ever since the first hearing. from there, i went into Israel's website and saw that he was going to be at Oasis Christian Center (gosh, there sure a lot of links just from a couple of sentences :P) on April 26, 2009 (which was tonight!) (but when i went back to the website after i first saw this event, it had disappeared...)

so i marked the date down on my calender and was looking for someone to go with me. i asked sharon from GMCI (cos i think she probably will enjoy it). but sharon realized that she will be chauffeur for her sister today and might be too tired to go with me... :( and i couldn't think of anybody else...

somehow... somehow, i really really really really really wanted to go.

i was pretty determined that i was going, but going alone is not something that i was really looking forward to.

(back track to a few days ago...) so after looking through Israel's website, i was also contemplating big time as to buying his new CD--the power of one. but i think it took 1 day before i decided that i would buy it. and i do not regret this decision at all... especially finding out how he and a group of artists/writers decided to put a part of their earning into some of the poorest areas of the world. AND the music was just awesome. it's not just gospel as i had thought but a mix of jazzy, hip hop, jamaican, pop and what-nots. exactly the kind of thing that i enjoy. and when i heard another song from the CD--every prayer, just hit another chord with me. i must have listened to it more than 15 times in the last 2-3 days. and not just listen, but sing, and cry along with it. it just brings such comfort and assurance that God DOES hear our every single prayer and that HE does care...

so... back to tonight. the service was at 6pm close to the downtown area. since i am not familiar with how the parking or traffic is like, i left the house early... driving down by myself. i had a little bit of a weird feeling... like "what am i doing" kind of weird feeling. but at the same time (still playing Power of One CD in the car), one of the songs talks about how God is always with us... and it was as if i was no longer alone... God was with me tonight. not just saying but really, he is there kind of thing.

well. got there without any problem. parked the car. walked to the theater and some people were already waiting outside of the auditorium doors. within 10 min, it was getting crowded. looking through the room, most people had friends with them... maybe about 70% black and 20% white and 10% others like me. most of them had pretty hip clothes on. the deco is pretty modern and trendy. finally by 5:50 they opened the doors and people rushed in.

it was Oasis's 25th anniversary so it was kinda interesting to hear of how God has worked through their lead pastors Philip & Holly ever since the beginning. and i am thankful along with their church members of the kinds of impact this church is making for the Kingdom of God.

but i kept wondering if Israel is really going to play ... or is he just going to play a song? or what? finally ... it was announced as a part of the 25th anniversary celebration, it's going to be an hour of worship with Israel. everybody got very excited and a whole bunch of people rushed down to the front.

then it started!

it was a simple chorus to "here I am to worship" and it just took off. song after song after song.(it was a good thing that i bought the CD and have been "practicing" these few days :p) somehow that 1 hour flew by really quickly... and i think it's been too long since i really sang like that in worship... and maybe i've not danced like that since those college days at the clubs. i was really into the singing, clapping, and dancing. i was also totally amazed at Israel's guitar, vocal, worship leading, everything skills. and the stories he shared/preached about his life, receiving love from God... i was totally ministered to and felt like i was on a date with God ... but along with hundred of people in that auditorium... all singing their hearts out, reaching out their hands to God. praising God... enjoying time with Him and a pretty awesome worship time together.

i've not written something this long on my blogs for a while. and when i got home, my brain was still going at a zillion miles per hour with all the excitement of who God is. there have been different times in my life that i am just obsessed about going to a certain church or some kind of conference. tonight was one of those moments. and i just know... it was a GOoD night for me. simply awesome.

Focus

I've had a few days of "rest" after our intensive cohort meeting for two weeks. When I bought the plane ticket, I was thinking that there's a Chinese church in Honolulu that my dad had mentioned that I can share with their English/youth fellowship. I also thought I can spend some time with my uncle (dad's oldest brother) and aunt. But a couple of weeks before I came out to Hawaii, I found out that my dad didn't remember which church that he talked to. My uncle was going on a business trip. What I had assumed that would work simply didn't turn out.

So these few days I have been "alone" since I have no other friends on the island. I also get anxious/nervous in a new, unfamiliar environment with unpredicted possibilities. (Small things like whether I can find a parking space in a popular tourist destination would make me uneasy.) Although I was going out to places, I can't really enjoy hiking in the mountains with beautiful views or the beautiful water and waves of the ocean. And when I went to Hanauma Bay, this place that's famous for corrals and tropical fishes, I was worried most of the time about being stung by jelly or lost in the current. Life just seem to suck and horrible. It's like one of those jokes about having a great bottle of wine just to discover there is not cork screw to open the bottle.

Despite my inability to truly enjoy this pretty awesome and dream vacation destination for many people, I still went out everyday and tried.

Yesterday when I was walking down this beautiful beach, I complained to God. But today when I walked along the same beach, it suddenly dawned on me. I can't believe that I am being so unhappy about one thing in my life and forgetting everything else that I have been blessed with. I started to give thanks and count my blessings--for having family in Hawaii that I can stay with and save a lot of money from hotel stays; for being able to borrow my uncle and aunt's car to go to the beaches these few days; for dad who paid part of my plane ticket; for eyes to see such beautiful sceneries; for legs to walk up and down the beach; for good health; for opportunities to study and learn things that I really enjoy... Although I still wish I had some company, I know that this is my lot in life at this point of time.

It is a matter of focus... of where I put my focus and perspective.