what i hate most

ever since young, what i hate most is to be falsely accused. i was hit again... tonight...

through the phone conversation, keep hearing the other person talking about this and that is the way it is... as if i am a child who was born yesterday... i was thinking, am i stupid? have i not seen the world more than you've had? on the contrary, from my experience interacting with the person, my pride tells me that i'm far better off than she is... :P i also knew that it is no use if i would defend myself or argue back. (i think i clarified a little bit at the end.) i wasn't sure if i should just hang up the phone and pretend that something happened to the phone...(oops, something was wrong with my phone...) hahaha... (hee hee... my evilness is coming out.. ha ha ha...) or... the possibilities are endless...

while i was listening to the person talk, my blood pressure was building up... but i was praying in my heart, "God, give me the patience that is needed. Help me to be humbled. I might have more experience and even more abilities than this person, I still need to be humble and try to learn whatever this person has to offer. Afterall, this Kingdom building business is not mine. It's God's and God uses us all differently." i survived the phone conversation... but coming out from it, i was also wondering... all this chinese-ness of politeness that i was exercising, would it become this "fu1 yan3" thing that i am doing... i really didn't have the heart or the mind to listen, but being chinesee and polite, i endured... endured... such a painful yet truthful word...

sigh... i find that there are always so much growth to do in this journey of life, this ministry that God has called me to be faithful to...

(one of the "accusations"... holding too tightly and expecting a group of people will always stay in one church...)
finding balance is hard... being put "in charge" of a group of people or even have people crossing your path means (after these few years in SG and having learned from a close friend, fabulous leader ;)) God wants you to be "reponsible" in taking care of them (spend time to find out things in their lives so you can encourage them along...) yet at the same time, only God knows EVERYTHING that happens in people's lives and HE would watch over every step of their way... although i might be responsible for the people crossing my path, God's still the BOSS. He is in charge and He has His timing to heal, to convict, etc...

sigh... i know that ultimately i want to learn to be humbled and that's a life long lessson... and it gets harder as time goes...as experiences increase, as knowledge increases... but... got to continue to learn it...