intuition and rationalization

"the heart is the most deceptive above all..."

with my intuition and my rationalization
self discipline is more of doing
what i like, when i like, with whom i like
decisions in life can change according to the I and R.
can you even call that self discipline?

i really don't know what i want or like
except for my I and R

can i live thru life in this way?
i probablly will always depend on these two friends and foe

how does God come in all this?
is this just the way He made me?
can He tolerate me although i can't even tolerate myself this way?

to these, i have no answer
i'll continue to seek and ask

pirates and persumptions

just watched pirates, the worlds end.... finally!!!!

tks to G who agree to go with me and sit thru that 168 minutes of thrill and laughs.

i actually thought it was entertaining and so did G. ok ok... people are right in saying that there were parts that moved too slowly but i think it's still faster than spiderman 3. :p people said there's no plot and storyline, i still saw a coherent theme running thru it. people say that there were too many characters introduced but aren't they all still supporting the main characters who got a fair share of the screen time? (yipee for seeing orlando bloom's handsome face on the big screen for quite a few shots) :D

i still appreciate the adventures and the focus on freedom (that's basically what they were fighting for). the romance was too cheesy for me. special effects, make up and costumes were really cool. (tons of stunt people were used since we sat thru the credits to watch "the very end" of the movie...) this 3rd movie also answered a lot of questions that were raised in the 2nd movie, introduced the pirates' world/culture, exposed the imaginative side of people for the ever changing seas. oh, and chow yun fat! too bad that he died too early in the movie. :(

so another conclusion i have about this movie and movie watching in general is that people will usually stick to their presumptions of certain movies, trilogies, and actors. i pretty much have very good vibes and liked the last two pirates movies, love the main actors and anticipated that i would be able to find interesting lines, stories, analogies, thoughts from this movie. i knew i would like it actually...

but for many of my friends who never liked johnny depp or the other two pirates movies, i hear more negative comments.

unless it's a horrendous movie that's beyond hope, i think hollywood captures this presumptuous side of people. i hope ocean's 13 is not just a whole bunch of handsome guys in redeeming the price i pay for the movie... ha.. :D

Pirates are coming...

Happy Mother's day!

Just want to wish all mothers out there a very happy and blessed mother's day! Also... for all spiritual moms out there. You might not have your own biological children but you have many spiritual children out there, lives touched by your nurturing.

Thank you for your sacrifices, love, care, food, heart to heart chats, prayers, tears...

wow... amazing...

last saturday when i went out jogging, i prayed to God... "help me to know that You love me..." then a bird poo pooed on me. i thought... "so much for asking God to show me love..."

but this morning as i think back, there were many things that happened to me that were pretty amazing...

monday... treated to a penang buffet at the king's copthrone hotel. it was yummilicious. :d
tuesday... lots of fun and free food with the BBTC YAM at pasir ris park with 5 friends from ESC.
wednesday... free tickets to "phantom of the opera" (not just any seat but really good circle one seats) with my good friend, ey... we enjoyed pretty good food and the sunset view at the marina sq food loft. she drove us there and to esplanade and home!
today... beautiful blue sky on the way to work. OH... and i won the EAST t-shirt design contest! $100 dollars and people get to wear my new design.

i think God is amazing...

all i ask of you

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA lyrics

why do waves all come crashing at once?

actually by nature, waves come not all at once. one comes after another. maybe there are times when it becomes more intense.

just yesterday i felt like i was under tons of pressure and today i am doing much better. it was all the decisions piling and all the uncertainties crashing. but all in a day's work, it was done.

this last trip with "the ladies" was set (timing, pricing, location). the dates for our extended family trip to china were set. decision about what to do for ESC this week was decided (cancel and invite the group to BBTC's FITS next tuesday). compilation of the year end survey results for EAST is almost done. just finished the last exit interview for the graduating students. i guess that's about all... oh ya! and the ICC situation with some brothers and sisters attending the church with questionable teachings was also settled all within a couple of days work (thank God!).

note to self today

1. result
2. process
how?

• trust; entrust (to a generous God, all knowing, able, loving, providence); belief
• (opposite of above--> driven by insecurities, worries, fears)
• humility (give God due credits to Him)
• not with my own wisdom
• love
• patience--God's timing
• let Him work!

His yoke is easy
burden is light
grace is sufficient
faith in persevering

faith is required when it's beyond my own abilities

silent retreat

a couple days ago, some of the EAST students went on a retreat. by retreat, this is a real retreat... going to a quiet place (in singapore, this is kinda rare), staying away from the noise and busyness... and not talking to one another for the majority of the time when we were there! (even during our meals)

the whole idea was to consciously block out all the noise and so refrain from talking. reading only the Bible and no other books, so we can practice "listening to God".

thru out the retreat, we had a facilitator (here's his blog) who went thru some debatable practices on meditation and biblical interpretation methods (or maybe we just needed more time for him to explain further before we practiced them?). despite all the discussions and the controversies that i've been hearing since the retreat, personally, i thought i benefited from this type of spiritual discipline exercise.

somehow, thru the 1 1/2 days retreat, i realized that i have been avoiding reading the Bible much because of this issue of trust. i find that i don't really trust God anymore so reading God's Word doesn't mean much to me... (if you don't trust someone, you probably won't really listen to his/her words...) i need to deal with my disappointments of things not taking place according to what i had imagined God doing. somehow God was bringing to my attention of the fact that He has His timing in all things and He does not fail in fulfilling His promises.

i also continued to struggle with "my dark side" (critical spirit, judgmental, unforgiving, etc.) and not knowing how to reconcile with "the force" (no lah... my good side... compassionate, loving, accepting, etc.). i also couldn't reconcile the two seemingly opposing sides, which are also exhibited so clearly in God. somehow, as i continued to think that i probably will need some time to reconcile it all, i caught the bus ride home with one of our students JT. he asked me what i've learned from the retreat and so i told him about my problem. i finally finished when i was about to get off the bus and walk home. he has started to counsel me and simply pointed out that what i was experiencing can possibly be some form of spiritual attack. the evil one knows that the Lord is bringing new things into my life so attacks/distractions came. he got off the bus with me and pray for me. somehow ever since then, i've felt much easier about my struggles.

ultimately, i just thank God in orchestrating every person and every event that played a part for where i am today, especially for my recent struggles. i think i've reached a place that i feel much more at peace although there are still some fears about the future that are plaguing me. i guess i'll just have to take one step at a time and see how the Lord will continue to lead and provide grace needed along the way.

priced possession

you were created--
fearfully and wonderfully
priced possession of the creator Lord God
the Almighty who spoke and the world came to being

you are loved and adored
with eternal, unmoved love
of the One who would sacrifice His only Son, His all
so you can connect, feel the deep love and desire
of the ultimate Husband never imagined existed

He adores you and lavishes His love upon you
not fearing going the distance
no matter how much the cost would be
knowing your most imitate desires and needs
feel all your joy and pain

None in this world can compare to Him

He never gives up
constantly pursuing you
no matter how muddied, scared you've become
no matter how you've exchanged substitute loves that can never compare
no matter how hard you tried to earn the wrong fulfillments in life
He is amazing, He loves you
very much

heart, mine

my heart, a woman's heart, sensitive
a place of complexity
a picture, a song, an ad
would strike memories within
even after so many years
hopes and desires diminished
still, a kindred spirit, an admiration
for your talent and amazing gifts

and you...
will i ever reach a day like this?
simple admiration
thoughts from a distance
no longer my object of possession and desire

T.E.A.R.

Oh Lord, i will

(written last Sunday March 4, 2007)
Have i not had enough pain?
Have i not hurt myself enough?
Have i not been thru enough because of what i thought is
right
or
good for me?

There's nothing left for me to fight.
There's none of me left to struggle.
I've tried too much.
I've chose enough for myself.
Now i choose You.
Now i choose life.
Now i choose You and so Lord, i will.

so i lied

yes, guilty as charged
so i lied
i lied to myself
i lied to you, my family and friends
i lied to God
of what i can endure
of what i would like in a man
of what i think i can endure
in a life that i had prayed for
of a man that i still love
still can't believe how foolish i can be
how stupid i truly am
"i told you so..."
i should have listened

i'm a true romantic, hopeless one
and i'm supposed to feel bad about this?
i want it all
but don't think i'm deserving
is that what my problem is?
maybe, i think so...

so i lied

random readings, surprised findings

thanks to ms krong's links on her xanga page, i came to the following 2 sites (er, 3, not 2... added an extra one after i started the blog entry)

really cool photo taking mom & some real down to earth woman who writes my heart & a church that seems very cool in boston

i'm just posting stuff right and left tonight. hope it's not too disturbing to you all. you can always delete my stuff from multiply

Sparrow

it's been a while since i sung worship songs freely at home for an extended period of time. at the beginning of the year, my new year's resolution is to give myself more time to rest and to be alone. tonight was one of those occasions. i started off preparing for tomorrow night's worship then just went on to sing some other songs. it was such a freeing and wonderful experience to be reminded of how God loves me thru the lyrics. and at the end of the night, i dug out the small hymn book that i have and found this hymn.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

this is actually my dad's favorite hymn, which i sang for him last last year for his birthday celebration in taiwan. i also have a copy of the lyrics pasted right in front of me in my cubicle at work. somehow the words never fail to bring comfort and assurance--

His Eye is on the Sparrow... and i know He watches me...

selective memories

joy said our memories are selective
if we choose to remember too much unpleasant things
we go insane
but we still try
to capture time and space
by
recounting what happened
taking photographs, videos
listen to songs
taste the flavors
savoring the memories
actually both
for the beautiful memories
and
for those others unmentionable
or could it also be a vision, a possiblity
of what memory could be
captured thru another's eyes
dear friend, i'm stealing yours

let me heal

just let my tears drop one by one
with each memory that passed
the sweet memories we shared
maybe healing will come slowly
with time
each care, concern, and prayer spoken
one day will come
when all sweet memories stored
fears, anxieties away
when you are truly a friend
in the mean time
showers of friendship, love bring support
providing strength to stir the bleeding heart
in the process of recounting lost
more is recovered
though there grows inner strength
strength provided thru many
will also aid
let this process repeats
hurt less and less
with time

death of a hope

don't ask me how i am
just let me wallow in my sorrow
let me hide in silence because the pain is too much to bear
all the happy memories now sting
peg struck heart's core
oozing out blood, warm and black
tears flowing down the cheek
hope is lost, diminished
routine covering up the truth
smile as if nothing had happened
talk as if he's still in the glimmer of hope
protected when those around know nothing
of the crushed desire, slapped in the face
by reality of one who has spoken so cruely

maybe only death of this past hope brings life
seed of hope dies so life of another kind will bloom
who knows what will grow out of this
something beautiful?
yet in death still secretly desiring resurrection of this hope, this man
that he will come back into the glimmering hope
that piece of the puzzle completing the whole picture

inter-school games

we just finished two days of inter-school games among SBC (Singapore Bible College), TTC (Trinity Theological College), and EAST (East Asia School of Theology)... i played badminton because we didn't have enough players. actually our school is pretty small so we didn't really have enough people to play everything! i think it's the first time that i've played competitively for badminton. it's always been just for fun. well, thanks to some quick practice and tips from CL and ah boy, i felt a little bit more confident. but our opponents were almost pro. they were so steady and cool... needless to say, i lost... 8-15.

well, but that was yesterday... there were also basketball games played among the three
schools. today, there were ping-pong, volleyball and soccer competitions. we cheered for our team until my throat feels very painful and totally worn out... although our team didn't win 1st places, i have to commend them... you see, as i said before, we don't have many people in our school... of course not enough people to play. so at the end of the day, the same group of korean students played basketball on the first day (they got 2nd place), volleyball and soccer today (3rd and 2nd place). if i add up all the games they've played, the total would be 6 (i think...) and
these students are not 20 something, they are mostly above 35.

no wonder i cheered and applauded so hard for them... because they were truly amazing and truly dedicated... hopefully they will get some good rest this weekend.