to be married off

so i've also just come back from spending some extended time with Joshua and his family, particularly his dad since i stayed at his place for about a week. before i met Bishop Settles (Joshua's dad), i already heard Joshua describe what kind of man he is. i think it was back in January, after my first visit that he wrote on my facebook something to the effect of welcoming me as his future daughter-in-law (before there was any formal proposal, chinese or american ways). and so for this visit, i had the opportunity to spend some mornings with him just to chat over coffee and his really delicious apple raisin oatmeal.

ever since i got to know Joshua, i have been learning about the struggles and the painful history for the Black Americans. somehow the high school and colleges i went to never taught me this part of the american history. before i met Joshua's dad, i was thinking that i'll ask him about his experiences as a Black American thru his childhood, Civil rights movement, etc. but as the two of us sat down over breakfast, our conversations did not revolve around some historic incidents or experiences but just common, everyday, life kinda stuff. so i found out that we both love to desserts, have dealt with people problems within the church, and for me to hear stories of Joshua growing up as a child and of his marriage with his late wife. it wasn't about my Chinese past and his Black American experiences. it was about us being people with families, as ministers of God to His people.

after my 3-week trip, i'm home and i've been sick. i just haven't had much time to share with my parents of my experience in the past three weeks. so when i did talk to my mom briefly over dinner the other night, there were a lot of concerns and worries. it's as if getting married to a wonderful man and family who happen to be "Black" is a disease that requires lots of caution and maybe even some vaccination shots. (ok... maybe that's a little bit too exaggerated but it sure doesn't make me feel like i'm being trusted for my decision to marry this Black Southern American man)

in the past few months it did occur to me that although i've been very exposed to various peoples and cultures, lived in very rural mountainous areas of SE asia, grew up in "the south" and feeling rather southern at times, felt thoroughly welcomed by Joshua's family and friends, all these experiences are "mine" until i share as much of my experiences with my parents for them to understand how amazingly at home i've felt in the past three weeks.

i suppose i am being "married off" since i'm a girl and will be moving across country, joining my new family, learning Black, southern culture... i suppose my parents feel like they are losing me to "the unknown" and maybe even into a very scary "Black" family. but so far in my own experiences, i'd have to say i'm sooooooooo looking forward to this new chapter of my life, in learning, failing, love and hate my life at the same time... i do believe our skin color affected our life experiences but i've found lots of similarities just by being human. and if history has proven of God's faithfulness and goodness in my life, i don't see how this would be any different from before. i've lived in a couple of foreign country for years knowing very little about those places and ended up loving those peoples. i don't think it will always be easy but it will be good. it will be good not just because i know the Settles will be good to me, but also that God is good and faithful.

mom and dad, i guess i'll try harder to help you get a glimpse of how good my world is. and i pray that you will trust God and His leading. His "good, perfect and pleasing" will for my life and future.

worship "team": learning about worship in community

just came back on a trip where i spent 2 weeks as a volunteer at the Southeast regional InterVarsity's chapter camp. well, so it happens that Joshua was the worship leader/coordinator for the first week where we did a mix of traditional hymns, hillsong songs, and of course several gospel pieces. i wasn't supposed to play (keyboard) for the 2nd week but was asked and i more than gladly accepted.

i have to say that both weeks brought challenges but of different kinds. in the past 10 years or so of my worship leading/playing/singing experiences, it's always been songs that i have chosen or with styles or chord progressions that are very familiar to my fingers. but not these 2 weeks. i've always wanted to learn how to play gospel style and/or jazz style songs but never had the discipline to see it through. so it's come back to bite me. our team came together after a couple of days and i was able to hide my poor keyboard skills because every team member was talented. i was very grateful that one night when i couldn't play the intro to Grateful that the flautist, bassist, and drummer covered me. it was especially painful to disappoint Joshua, my dear friend, future husband and worship leader because the gospel pieces really depended on my playing. but i learned to accept my limitations and will improve upon it in the months to come.

week 2 was a different beast altogether. we did many songs by Jesus Culture (something like Your Love Never Fails). basically the style of the songs were more rock, which is something almost entirely unfamiliar to me (esp. in terms of how the keyboard functions in a band). on top of that, it's also an entirely different team dynamics because half of the people on the team come from the same area and have been working together for a certain amount of time. i think it's always hard when there are established relationships in a group and you are supposed to become the same team within a short time. i have to say that it was a little disheartening to me. basically i felt like a failure all through out those few nights playing for worship.

but here is the irony. multiple people came up to me during the 2nd week and told me how good i played. i received their compliments with a smile and sometimes doing the chinese thing by saying: "nah, it wasn't really anything..." but with more than just one person who came up to me, it made me think harder as to why people were complimenting me.

maybe after a couple of days it dawned on me... it wasn't my playing but it was my contribution to the overall sound of the team that made it good. (because it's hard to think playing the same 4 chords thru out an entire song is that difficult to do... hahaha) this is something that i've not really experienced much. i think i've always been the one-woman show but this time around i was "one part" of the team and not "the team". it was certainly very humbling and maybe a hard lesson to learn because i needed to trust that the other excellent musicians and i could compliment each other in creating music that might help people enter into worshipping God.

i guess i will always have more to learn and grow from...

process

with the wedding preparation on the way, there are many new experiences and thoughts that come with it. i've been thinking about the process of preparation, particularly for the wedding itself.

i've recently told someone that i would rather focus on preparing to build a new life instead of focusing on the wedding itself... because the wedding is only one day but being married is "till death do us part". i guess both J and i are rather practical people, plus we are poor (well, full-time Christian workers seem to have a better witness if we don't have money... hmm...). growing up as a little girl, unlike many others, i've not really dreamed of how my wedding will be or what place or what dress or what music will be at the wedding. with all these years of waiting for the right person, maybe i've also grown weary thinking about even the possibility of getting married. when J and i first decided to officially date, he did ask me what i might want in a wedding. i think i thought briefly and do have some ideas... but not as elaborate as some others would think and dream of.

so with the wedding prep underway, i've been receiving various advices for and questions about the wedding. i'm very thankful that i have very good friends, sisters, mother's friends, who are more than willing to chip in and contribute. so many of them think of things that i haven't thought about. (i guess this is where the but comes in) but... it can be rather confusing and stressful at times because J and i just want simple but simple might be interpreted as "cheap" or "not proper". i think sometimes i just want to skip over all this preparation "process" and just be married and go on with our life together.

but then i start to realize the necessity of having this process and having to go through all the "trouble". time does allow certain things or issues to surface no matter if it's good or bad. going through the process with all the stresses and ideas, i'm learning about the people around me that i wouldn't otherwise have a chance to know. i'm learning about myself in ways that i've not experienced before. and i think this process also makes me grateful because God is at work in my life and stretching me again. i have to go back to His Word, get on my knees so that i would be able to find peace and be at rest in His arms again.

i suppose God stretches people through different circumstances, opportunities, and stresses. and somehow His intention is "good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes". and so going thru the process is only necessary

engaged??!!

my family and friends know that i've prayed for marriage and family for a long time (maybe for about 10-15 years?). and they have also been praying for a long time. it has been a rather long and tiring journey filled with weird and interesting stories.

when i met joshua last year, everything suddenly seemed to move rather quickly for our relationship. but it wasn't at a pace that seemed too fast for the both of us. i guess after 10-15 years of waiting, my time has reached its fullness.

so even after our first meeting in person back in Nov, we've talked about a timeline of how things might work out in our relationship. at the time, it seemed reasonable. it was with the considerations of joshua's work schedule requirements (he's taking a team to Ghana this summer for missions), my studies (almost done with my DMiss degree at Fuller), our age and desire to have children (he wants quite a few and i love kids too), and also a reasonable adjustment period for our families. i had also wanted my uncle to marry us, and since he's a very busy man, we've tentatively set a date for our wedding on Sept 11, 2010.

so joshua's visit was a determining point or a point of confirmation for whether we'll continue to follow the timeline we've discussed previously or not. as far as i know, joshua has been much more than i can ever imagine as a suitable future husband and father of my children. i had no doubt that we would make a good couple and family especially in serving the Lord and (hopefully) bringing glory to our mighty God and King.

and as i had thought, his visit went very well. i was especially appreciative of his willingness to accommodate and learn about chinese culture and ways of doing things... to at least try the different foods (like sea cucumber and chicken feet) and say "ya, that's pretty tasty". to preach at my church and get the approval of my current church family, to endure the stare from random chinese people walking down the streets of alhambra or even getting some impolite treatment at this chinese grocery store. to spend time with me and my family even when he has a million things to take care of related to his job.

so ya, we are engaged (in a very chinese, community, family kinda way instead of the american, individualistic kind of way), and have started to prepare for our wedding in sept and our life together. (to say those words together in a sentence still seems rather surreal to me.)

(here's his rather humorous version of our engagement and future plans... On Engagement Rings, Oreos, and Impromptu Parties)

i am thoroughly grateful... to God, our families, friends because of all the prayers, words of encouragement, good advices, willingness to chip in and help for the wedding prep. i'm grateful for God's design, good timing, perfect will that i can truly testify now.

really... thank you all who have prayed along the way, who have been by my side when things didn't work out, with the tears and frustrations... and for those who are still waiting on God's good design and plan, i'll be praying for you and trust that He has the best in mind for you as well. :)

God is the God of China and all creation

one of the reasons why i really enjoy talking to my beau, Joshua, is that we can be just talking about random things in our lives and somehow come up with really cool missiology or theological insights...

this morning we had an awesome conversation. i thought it's worth blogging about since it was sorta my idea and he made it better :D:D:D

somewhere in the conversation, i said:

"God is the God of China and all creation"

i said that because of a small observation i made from the conference we had this past weekend (the Missions Prayer Conference in LA). during the first night's worship, we sang How Great Thou Art. since the conference was conducted in mandarin, naturally the powerpoint slides were all presented in chinese. but what was interesting (no matter if it was intentional or not), is that the background of the slides that might look something like this. when looking at these kinds of images, it just communicates "China" or chinese... it's pretty amazing of how God made mountains, trees, and the fogs in a certain way. when looking at the exact combination of what that scenery looks like, it just says "china"...

usually when we sing How Great Thou Art, people talk about the beauties of creation, the Grand Canyon or the Niagara Falls, which are all awesome creations that give us a sense of... well... awe. God also made the Yellow Mountains or the Stone Forest of China.

here's where Joshua made this whole discussion even more meaningful... when he commented on how amazing "God is the God of China and all creation", i understood the deeper implication of what i said. God is both specific and general in how He relates to people. when i said that God is the God of China, it means that He's very specific in creating the people, culture, and even the sceneries are that uniquely Chinese. yet at the same time, He is general in that He made ALL things because He rules over ALL!

sometimes we tend to generalize the fact that we are all christians and we are all the same but in turn might reflect the fact that we have lost our unique identity as an individual and even a cultural group. it is important for those of us who believe in God and follow Jesus to see that we belong to ONE Lord. but at the same time, it is also important for us to appreciate who we are as individuals and cultures in our contribution to making that ONE richer and more complete. if we do not know who we are or the unique contribution we can offer from our culture, how are we to contribute to the whole of the Body of Christ?

what will happen to them?

with hand gestures, muffled voice, heavy cigarette smoke breath, tangled hair, and grey blue-ish eyes, this white lady talked to me for maybe 5 minutes. she gestured upward as if she's pointing to God. she made a circle around her stomach area and said something about "surgeries", "train ride" "washington DC"... and tried to give me fist bumps or some secret hand shake. i just nodded and looked into her eyes. at the end, i said, "God bless you" and that's about all i could say or do. she hugged me.

another encounter was this little black girl just walked up to me and said "i spilled on my jacket". (she was the cutest thing) i saw some paper towels sitting on top of an old laundry machine and started to try to soak up the stain. i said, "you got to be careful with the drink." while she was still holding on to that cup of hot cocoa or something that they were giving out along with the meals. she then said to me, "i think we need to go to the bathroom and wash it off." so we went into the bathroom. i took some more paper towels and wet it with water and started to wipe her yellow hoddie. then she said, "my mom will wash it later." then we went back to where i was standing. she ran to her mom along with her 2 other siblings while the mother was still trying to grab more shirts or pants or blankets. i think the mom said "get into the car" as they were about to leave...

before i met with our church people at one pastor's house this morning, i told myself "i'm going to learn from these people today, to try to love them and respect them as God's precious creations." i think all 30 some people went were rather nervous because it's an environment and people very unfamiliar to us. we drive nice, big vans and live in nice big houses. we have warm clothes and can choose anything we wish to eat. the only worry is "will i get fat?" or "is this healthy for me?" i think i am no different from the rest of the group.

coming away i kept wondering how will they survive this rare and harsh cold LA rain? with no shelters, their clothes or blankets will be wet. i think experiences like this always leave me feeling very helpless. i honestly can't say that we made a huge difference with the few hours of our lives pretending that maybe even doing this once every three months will be enough. maybe it's also one of my excuses for not doing anything with the homeless regularly because i just don't want to walk away feeling helpless all the time.

(despite the mental knowledge that God is all powerful and He can do something about it if people would go to Him and if He chooses to change their lives)

it did remind me of those days sharing with the villagers (the women, children, and elderly folks) in the mountains of thai-myanmar border about God's promises to bless His people. it was a rather ironic scene and experience for me back then. although at the end of that one year, i did hear of what God has done in helping the villagers thru another missionary.

but still, i wonder what will happen to the faces i saw today... what will happen to the lady who was trying so hard to communicate her pain to me? what will happen to the little girl who spilled hot cocoa on her yellow hoodie? and all the others...

jumping on the bandwagon (that might have left already)

Thanks to elderj and David Park and various newly acquainted AA (Asian American) friends, I've recently been exposed to the "Deadly Viper" controversy (which should be more or less over by now)... but I think the discussions about culture, race and Christianity continue

Just had some thoughts this morning that I'd like to share...

So far, it seems that the AA community involved (or those who are sympathetic and understanding) feel rather cheated by the turn of events. Because even with the book being pulled off the shelf and an official apology from Zondervan, it's like merely throwing a small rock in the ocean. There's no big change in the bigger American Christian community.

So here's my thought... If we (AA) are trying to educate the non-AAs on our culture and background, how about some more proactive actions?

It's true that images of Kungfu fighting (or movies, TV series) are a tiny bit of what the Asian culture is all about. Why not take it a step further? Take it as an opportunity to take people further into our own cultural background and things that we are proud of. (maybe we need more people in the media and entertainment business to create more opportunities? and of course more interpersonal interactions?)

But as a 1.5 Gen Chinese-American, I am not quite sure what all I can present to those non-Chinese as to the pride of my cultural background and what it's all about. As I've started to research and explore this complex subject, hopefully I'll have more to offer in the days to come.

receiving grace

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17 (NIV)

This is a verse that I've memorized many many years ago. Over the last 10-15 years, it has been a struggle to try to understand what it means in the context of my desire for relationship, marriage, and family. I struggled wondering if I would be able to fully comprehend what this means and just accept a biblical truth by faith even when there's not even any glimpse or possibilities on the horizon.

Well, I would have never imagined that God in His good timing would bring someone so wonderful into my life. In the past 2 1/2 months, it has been a rather surreal experience. I still want to pinch myself and make sure that I'm not dreaming. Joshua has been all that and more of what I would ask for in a man. I think it is interesting of how when so many friends and family in our lives are rejoicing and celebrating the fact that God has given us someone new and wonderful. It just seems hard to fully receive this "good and perfect gift" from God.

Maybe this is why it is so hard for people to grasp how grace and salvation and be freely given... if I can't even just rejoice and enjoy the "good and perfect gift" from God that's in a form of a wonderful man.

but I'm coming around to it... in receiving... in rejoicing... and giving thanks....

i'm blessed

many months ago when i planned my asia trip, i think i was pretty greedy because i wanted to try to see as many of my friends and spend as much time with them as possible.

in the past 2 1/2 days, i already feel very blessed by g, ey, and yl who went all the way to KL to meet me and spend time with me and pampering me. i was sitting there at this fancy lunch today thinking... "what did i do to deserve friendships like this?" so when they brought out the very pretty strawberry cake, i made a wish. and i told them... "i wish that our friendship will last for a long time and that all of you will be happy in life as well."

and it's not just these three friends who not only made my birthday and life special, but all of you as well.

and this is only the beginning of my trip. i know that i'm going to continue to be blessed and pampered by many of you.

from the depths of my heart. thank you.

Fearless by Max Lucado

Thanks to twitter, I got the news that Thomas Nelson publishing company was giving away free copies of Max Lucado's newest book Fearless. But since I was too late in getting the initial hundreds of copies, I found out that I can also get a free copy by agreeing to blog about the book after I've read it... (you can find more info from here)

so here goes...

Just like the previous books that I've read by Max Lucado, this is another insightful and interesting read. Max addresses our fears encountering the economic crisis, daily news of disasters and wars, and those closer to home anxieties over our loved ones, our own life, diseases, inadequacies and future. Max is an excellent story teller using various perspectives that grippes my attention through out the book. But I appreciate how he makes the Bible verses, stories come to life in using today's terms or parallels. He also gives us practical steps to take in confronting fears.

I think growing up, I wanted to make sure that I can overcome my fears by doing exactly what I fear. But over the years, with more experiences in life, it's becoming harder for me to overcome my fears. This book is a good reminder that although I might feel powerless in confronting my fears like before, what is most important is that I know who God and Jesus is and what He is capable of doing (and even what He has done in the past through out history). By soaking myself in His Word and His promises, getting to know Him more, rely upon Him more, pray more, being involved with the Body of Christ... all the basics of Christian living, that IS how we can confront fears and overcoming them.

I definitely recommend this book to everyone out there. I think even though I've finished the book, I'll go back to it time after time to just find some encouragement and hope facing the fears in my life.

I had a GOoD night :D

it started maybe more than a week ago, when i saw Loswhit's tweet or something on Israel Houghton's MV--Just Wanna Say somehow this song was just a hit with me ever since the first hearing. from there, i went into Israel's website and saw that he was going to be at Oasis Christian Center (gosh, there sure a lot of links just from a couple of sentences :P) on April 26, 2009 (which was tonight!) (but when i went back to the website after i first saw this event, it had disappeared...)

so i marked the date down on my calender and was looking for someone to go with me. i asked sharon from GMCI (cos i think she probably will enjoy it). but sharon realized that she will be chauffeur for her sister today and might be too tired to go with me... :( and i couldn't think of anybody else...

somehow... somehow, i really really really really really wanted to go.

i was pretty determined that i was going, but going alone is not something that i was really looking forward to.

(back track to a few days ago...) so after looking through Israel's website, i was also contemplating big time as to buying his new CD--the power of one. but i think it took 1 day before i decided that i would buy it. and i do not regret this decision at all... especially finding out how he and a group of artists/writers decided to put a part of their earning into some of the poorest areas of the world. AND the music was just awesome. it's not just gospel as i had thought but a mix of jazzy, hip hop, jamaican, pop and what-nots. exactly the kind of thing that i enjoy. and when i heard another song from the CD--every prayer, just hit another chord with me. i must have listened to it more than 15 times in the last 2-3 days. and not just listen, but sing, and cry along with it. it just brings such comfort and assurance that God DOES hear our every single prayer and that HE does care...

so... back to tonight. the service was at 6pm close to the downtown area. since i am not familiar with how the parking or traffic is like, i left the house early... driving down by myself. i had a little bit of a weird feeling... like "what am i doing" kind of weird feeling. but at the same time (still playing Power of One CD in the car), one of the songs talks about how God is always with us... and it was as if i was no longer alone... God was with me tonight. not just saying but really, he is there kind of thing.

well. got there without any problem. parked the car. walked to the theater and some people were already waiting outside of the auditorium doors. within 10 min, it was getting crowded. looking through the room, most people had friends with them... maybe about 70% black and 20% white and 10% others like me. most of them had pretty hip clothes on. the deco is pretty modern and trendy. finally by 5:50 they opened the doors and people rushed in.

it was Oasis's 25th anniversary so it was kinda interesting to hear of how God has worked through their lead pastors Philip & Holly ever since the beginning. and i am thankful along with their church members of the kinds of impact this church is making for the Kingdom of God.

but i kept wondering if Israel is really going to play ... or is he just going to play a song? or what? finally ... it was announced as a part of the 25th anniversary celebration, it's going to be an hour of worship with Israel. everybody got very excited and a whole bunch of people rushed down to the front.

then it started!

it was a simple chorus to "here I am to worship" and it just took off. song after song after song.(it was a good thing that i bought the CD and have been "practicing" these few days :p) somehow that 1 hour flew by really quickly... and i think it's been too long since i really sang like that in worship... and maybe i've not danced like that since those college days at the clubs. i was really into the singing, clapping, and dancing. i was also totally amazed at Israel's guitar, vocal, worship leading, everything skills. and the stories he shared/preached about his life, receiving love from God... i was totally ministered to and felt like i was on a date with God ... but along with hundred of people in that auditorium... all singing their hearts out, reaching out their hands to God. praising God... enjoying time with Him and a pretty awesome worship time together.

i've not written something this long on my blogs for a while. and when i got home, my brain was still going at a zillion miles per hour with all the excitement of who God is. there have been different times in my life that i am just obsessed about going to a certain church or some kind of conference. tonight was one of those moments. and i just know... it was a GOoD night for me. simply awesome.

Focus

I've had a few days of "rest" after our intensive cohort meeting for two weeks. When I bought the plane ticket, I was thinking that there's a Chinese church in Honolulu that my dad had mentioned that I can share with their English/youth fellowship. I also thought I can spend some time with my uncle (dad's oldest brother) and aunt. But a couple of weeks before I came out to Hawaii, I found out that my dad didn't remember which church that he talked to. My uncle was going on a business trip. What I had assumed that would work simply didn't turn out.

So these few days I have been "alone" since I have no other friends on the island. I also get anxious/nervous in a new, unfamiliar environment with unpredicted possibilities. (Small things like whether I can find a parking space in a popular tourist destination would make me uneasy.) Although I was going out to places, I can't really enjoy hiking in the mountains with beautiful views or the beautiful water and waves of the ocean. And when I went to Hanauma Bay, this place that's famous for corrals and tropical fishes, I was worried most of the time about being stung by jelly or lost in the current. Life just seem to suck and horrible. It's like one of those jokes about having a great bottle of wine just to discover there is not cork screw to open the bottle.

Despite my inability to truly enjoy this pretty awesome and dream vacation destination for many people, I still went out everyday and tried.

Yesterday when I was walking down this beautiful beach, I complained to God. But today when I walked along the same beach, it suddenly dawned on me. I can't believe that I am being so unhappy about one thing in my life and forgetting everything else that I have been blessed with. I started to give thanks and count my blessings--for having family in Hawaii that I can stay with and save a lot of money from hotel stays; for being able to borrow my uncle and aunt's car to go to the beaches these few days; for dad who paid part of my plane ticket; for eyes to see such beautiful sceneries; for legs to walk up and down the beach; for good health; for opportunities to study and learn things that I really enjoy... Although I still wish I had some company, I know that this is my lot in life at this point of time.

It is a matter of focus... of where I put my focus and perspective.

humbled

yesterday morning when i took mochi (my sister's dog) out for his walk, i saw this man digging through trash looking for cans and bottles. as we passed by him, i said "good morning" and looked into his eyes. i think i was trying to "see" the man and related to him as a fellow human being beyond what he was doing.

ever since i moved back, i've seen homeless people on the streets of our neighborhood and always wondered "what can i do to help?" after talking to some ladies at church, there were cautions that sometimes it can be dangerous for women to talk to these people, but ultimately, just pray and see how God wants me to do.

last night when i was driving home from the office, i saw a small group of people standing on the street corner with the signs "vote yes for proposition 8" (voting yes for this proposition would revoke the legalization of gay marriages in the state of CA.). they were making noises and it was dark already. even with my loud music playing, i could hear the sounds they were making. but i just thought... people are so willing to stand on the street corner to express their views on some law, but what are we as Christians doing to express publicly the kind of self-less, unconditional love of Jesus Christ, which he expressed to those "sinners" around him when he was here on earth?

so back to the man i saw yesterday digging through trash. i saw him again this morning digging through more trash dumps looking for bottles and cans. somehow a thought moved me to gather some of the cans and bottles in our house and give them to him. i hesitated a few times by walking outside of our garage to see if he's still around... finally, i just picked up the bag of cans and bottles and walked to the man.

"excuse me, sir. would you like to have these bottles and cans?"
he looked at me with grateful eyes and took the bag.
he said... "have a nice day" and smiled.

as i was walking back to our garage and got ready to drive out to work, all these emotions rushed through me. somehow, i felt pain and wish i can do more. i felt joy thinking that i've done something finally to help a fellow human being who is struggling in life. as i thought more, i became very humbled by this whole event that had taken place because i know there is nothing i can brag about. what i've done probably can never solve this man's problems. but i can only be grateful that somehow God has provided an amazing life (both materially and spiritually) that some others just don't seem to have. who am i that HE cares for me in such ways?

i am humbled...

i love this country :D

went to vote this morning without much wait. somehow last night my heart felt very heavy and there were a lot of anxieties within me because we are not only voting for the next president of the United States but living in california, there are also many propositions and other things to vote for. it was as if all that commercial about "your 1 vote counts" is adding pressure for me... my one vote (literally) is going to change the world. i guess it does make a difference but at the same time, the majority voice will prevail at the end of this voting process. i was going to wait till the last minute to cast my vote today, but since there wasn't a very long line (the polling place is right next to our home), all three of us went and got it done within 30 min.

this is the very first time that my parents and i are voting. i think there are also many "new" things in the voting process that amused us. well... for one, we were pretty surprised that they didn't check our IDs to make sure we are those people registered. the american system is still based on trust. my mom said if it's in taiwan, there would be no such thing. everyone's ID must be checked and confirmed before they can get a ballet to vote.

besides this whole honor system observation, all the volunteers at the poll were enthusiastic and helpful. i am especially touched by how helpful this elderly gentleman was. he even gave me 2 "i voted" stickers because i told him i was going home and change after i voted.

well... i guess we'll wait for the results to come out tonight and many things will be different. but to be involved in this election this year, i am suddenly very proud that i am a citizen of this country and can be a part of this society that upholds freedom and respect for human beings.

God bless America!

living in the pressure of the bad economy

my parents are full-time christian workers before i was even born. this life style of faith, dependence on God is nothing new. when i started to raise support for my own finances, i did go through a points in my support raising history that freaked me out until i cry to God and said "You got me here. You have to be responsible for my needs..." and every time He comes thru without fail. just like the Israelite wondering 40 years in the desert with no lack in food, water, clothing, Yahweh is the same yesterday and today.

but this month has been tough for me.

my financial support account is slightly red but i am pulling all the strings, asking for help like i should. with the bad news of how bad wall street and the big banks are not doing well, people's pockets are tight. that thought did cross my mind..."would it affect my finances? would people give less because of the bad economy?" but also "would God continue to provide? isn't He the source of all? everything belongs to Him?"

actually... it's not so much of the "big" things but the small things that are getting to me these few weeks. i was sick when i was in Atlanta. had to go into the emergency room (ke-chin), then go to another clinic to do some additional blood test (ke-chin-chin), had to get medication (ke-chin)... then i also got my book list for ethno module 2 (which is a list of about 16 books... ke-chin, ke-chin, ke-chin).

THEN... my eye glasses broke out of the blue yesterday morning. so i went to get a new pair today. i knew it's going to cost me and i even went to a Christian optometrist that my parents go to but still after all the wonderful discount, i still had to pay an arm and a leg for a new pair of glasses. (ke-chin)

on the way home, emotions were running. tears came down. i was grateful for the discounts and the fact that i am fully supported financially. i am far better than many people living in worse conditions. it's not like i have no money in the bank (although not much) or won't know where the next meal is coming from (we have plenty of food at home). but still... i think i felt that anxiety and fear many people must be feeling now. wondering if we will actually survive this scary time for most people.

with experience and the history, i know it will be better and maybe today will be forgotten. but for now, i am grabbing on God like nobody's business and trust that He does care.

人在福中不知福 (being blessed and yet not realizing it)

Last Saturday happened to be my mom's lunar birthday, which coincide with my birthday (which is not my lunar date but the date on the common calendar we use). It is her 60th birthday and it's a big deal for Chinese (or people of any culture I suppose). A few months ago, we (the family) wanted to plan a surprise party for her, but as there are some complicated matters to consider, we told her of the celebration before hand. at the end, we decided not to have a huge celebration with some sort of formal meeting, but invited some of my parents' and our organization's friends for a Chinese dinner.

As we were thinking of the guest list, my dad asked if I have any friends that I want to invite. My reply was..."I don't have any friends here in LA..." but as we sat down at the dinner table on Saturday night (at the "kids" table ), my older sister, Katherine asked everybody to say something nice or some kind of blessings for my birthday. Being Chinese, it is usually hard to take in compliments from people, but I've learned to appreciate what people say and just be grateful. so I listened without the usual reply... "nah... that's not true... blah blah blah..."

Katherine started the whole thing by appreciating me being there for her when she needs it the most. Then the two ladies from our USA CMI office followed by saying how they appreciate having me around. and others also said nice and complimenting things, blessings.

I listened and realized that I've been wrong. In this past year, trying to adjust to the life here, I was expecting the exact same types of friends that I had in SG. Honestly in that sense, I don't have friends. BUT... I do have friends in LA. In the past year, I've shared life with these ladies in the office. They've listened and prayed with me. I've done the same for them. They are my friends here in LA (not to mention the ladies from my church who have been very caring and supportive to me as well).

Even as I am writing this in Atlanta (visiting for 2 weeks), I still have many dear friends here in this city... I am blessed.

of salvation and condemnation of God

the day before i left Egypt, i was reading John 3 on the story of Nicodemus. somehow i've read thru this a million times but these verses jumped out

v. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. (NIV)

i guess i am one of those people who thinks it's rather unfair for people to be "condemned" based on their choice or being born into a certain religious belief. when we share the Gospel with someone and he/she might say "that's nice, but i don't think it's for me" or "all religions are the same. i believe in God and so do you. there's no need for me to become a Christian or anything like that..." to me... how can a loving and just God condemn someone because they choose to believe another "religion" and not Jesus Christ?

but the Bible seems to be telling me... it's not that they choose to be condemned but it's the fact that we have all been condemned. there's no choice involved here. it's just a straight fact. no one should or have any way to obtain salvation.

although it seems kinda sad and hopeless (i love movies and stories with happy endings), i think the more it seems "salvation through Jesus Christ and Christ alone" (for those who have been saved and have a growing relationship with God) is simply amazing. i hate to use the cliche word--grace, but that's just what it is.

then today in John 6:64b-65...

For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him."

i am not a Calvinist or Armenian. i believe the Bible contains and teaches both at the same time (somehow). but for the above verse, it emphasizes again the fact of human inability to truly "choose" for him or herself.

maybe that's the hardest of all to accept as human beings... it's the fact that i have no absolute control or the ability to decide (not saying we are idiots and puppets because we also do have a mind given by God). for salvation, it simply requires God's enabling and enlightening for a person to believe in Jesus Christ.

my apple battery woes

a couple weeks ago, i downloaded a widget for all kinds of cool stats on my mac (i think it's called istat). at first, the battery stats showed something like 90% functioning. over after a few days, i looked again and strangely it has changed to 50-ish%. i thought i have been working too hard on my 50-page paper and have turned delusional. but that same horrible number showed up a few days in a row and then stayed.

it was then that i realized that my battery capability has gone down the drain dramatically. this thing is only barley 1 year old. if i don't plug it in, i can only use the laptop for about 1 hour. it gets used up pretty fast and scary.

thankfully, i had purchased this laptop with a three-year extended warranty. but that was from sg. i wasn't sure if the NTU offer applies internationally (because when i read the paper works from the time of purchase, it's not very clear). i was running through my brain of what other possibilities i might explore if apple doesn't recognize the warranty here. i thought maybe i will have to mail it back to singapore and get somebody to exchange it for me... or wait until i go back to singapore to visit... or just live with a faulty battery.

so i made an appointment with the "genius" at the apple store genius bar. it seems that they are pretty busy. to make things worse, i got out of the house later than i wanted to. not sure about parking, i grabbed a pretty good parking space that was free (since this is in the pasadena area... i knew parking is hard or expensive or both). i was walking on the street in the wrong directions. called my mom to get some help but she was getting pretty confused too. anyway... i found it at the end (but walked for a good 10-15 min). thankfully, since i had an appointment, the "genius" helped me. he gave me the initial talk that batteries do not last forever. they diminish their capabilities after many usages... blah blah blah. dude. i researched the web before i came. (i think he was just buying time). to cut the long story short, without any more questions, he got a new battery. did the paperwork. and put in the new battery.

moral of the story: make sure you buy the extended 3 year apple care. or else you might be like me... just a few days or months after the 1 year warranty wears out, you might find your computer destroyed (my poor ibook).

my first croc

been looking for comfortable sandals to walk with. actually shopped in san diego and san jose area and didn't find anything that is both good quality and priced.

last week i got an ad in the email that there's free shipping from endless. since i've been looking on amazon to find suitable crocs, i thought the price was pretty good and bought it.

got it yesterday and surprisingly it is so lightweight. according to the website, it's some kind of special material that also prevents bacterial growth. will try it out and see how good it really is...

heaven and rewards

was exercising this morning and doing my bible reading on the stationary bike this morning. this thought came... "what happened to the answers from the bible regarding rewards in heaven?" (referring to this blog entry but i guess it's for clichephrase's contacts only...)

basically my friend posted a blog entry about rewards in heaven (what kind? how will we be rewarded? by having big mansions? crowns? and how would that motivate/effect us here on earth?)

so i decided to do a search and list the bible verses in New Testament... (according to my own discretion regarding the relationships between heaven and rewards) (quoted from NIV)

Matt 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matt 5:10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matt 5:12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matt 5:19 Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Matt 6:1 [ Giving to the Needy ] "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
Matt 6:20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
Matt 9:21 Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Luke 6:23 "Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
Luke 10:20 However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
Luke 12:33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.
Luke 18:22 When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.

1 Peter 1:4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you,

i did a search on the word "heaven" in NIV and NASB and 278 entries showed up. according to my judgment, there are only about 12 that are sort of relevant to rewards. that's a very small percentage compare to what the New Testament talks about heaven. so it seems to me that rewards and heavens is not a hot topic that Jesus or the disciples focused on. heaven... it's more about other matters. and even when it talks about being rewarded in heaven, it has more to do with how much a person sacrifices (in various ways) for God/Jesus, not so much related to our material giving...

but i think the most obvious bible verses that taught us the concept of heaven and rewards are those highlighted in red.