God is good... all the time...

i think sometimes this statement is demonstrated in small things and with a grateful heart.

these few days have been very stressful with saying goodbyes (and realizing there's never enough time to spend with people you care about... ), rushing and trying like mad to finish reading for the Fuller application (and not doing very well with the schedule you want to keep), trying to coordinate our family's china trip cross countries and continents, and wanting to keep myself sane in the midst of all this (by trying to keep some routines like QT, jogging, eating right...)

well, somehow things were blowing up out of proportion in my head and stress level was rather high.

i wanted to spoil myself a little in compensation of the stress that was boiling inside of me. growing up in a family that loves food and uses food to express love, this is where i turned to tonight.

first... pre-dinner comfort-a cup of decaf, non-fat milk latte at starbucks
(that helped a little in calming my nerves)

2nd... yummy asian style burger at Mos Burger with G
(we had good laughs)

then...

we were at bugis and when we walked by hotel intercontinental, i remembered this bakery shop that used to sell things at 1/2 price after 8 or 9pm. thought we just walk by and check out the cakes. and to our pleasant surprise, they are running a promotion. two slices of cakes for S$10! and we just stood there marveling at all the beautiful and yummy looking cakes. at the end i decided on their royal chocolate and something mascarpone.

G and i then walked to the raffles hotel and found a quiet corner, sat there and enjoyed our cakes! the royal chocolate had a layer of mousse on top, chocolate syrup, raspberry sprinkled with golden dust. the bottom of the cake is made with crunchy peanut butter, candy bar, solid tasting thing. the mascarpone cheesecake thingy had liquored soaked cheery mixed in with the cheese... the rest was a blur since it was so yummy... it was heavenly, yet very sinful.

on the way home, i had this wonderful feeling of satisfaction. and thinking... God is so good to me, supplying my small craving in a stressful time waaaaaay beyond i can ever imagine.

man.. i'll need to go jogging again tomorrow morning.. to redeem my sins...

(hope G's pix turn out)

new toy--grace upon grace

"grace upon grace" is the name of my new toy. it's my new macbook pro!

been planning to get a new laptop computer for months. been praying and asking people to pray for sufficient fund. thanks to many good friends who responded when i said i have this need for a new laptop by giving me some money as my parting gift. i also sold my electric piano as a part of the contribution to the macbook pro fund. then thankfully my landlady moved back so she cut down the rent and is paying for the utilities (which also allow me to save some money on my monthly expenses)...

so the money part was more or less taken cared of. then it's the issue of when and where and which specs of macbook pro to purchase. thus started the hunt of my macbook pro.

i've always known that NTU has the best deals especially since they include a 3-yr warranty and a carrying bag. but just to doubly, triply make sure, i waited till the PC show at the beginning of June and check their price and package they might offer. to my disappointment, the apple people at the PC show weren't very helpful and even had a hint of "i don't care if you buy our product or not". not very helpful and not very cheap. the sales lady told us that most models of macbook pros are out of stock everywhere in singapore at the time. she didn't even offer for me to take an order and wait for it to come... so the day after we went to the PC show, my friend went to the NTU computer shop to order one from there. well, the apple sales lady was right. somehow after the PC show, they were totally out of stock of anything macbook. but at least the sales person at NTU was nicer. told my friend that we can order and maybe the new shipment will come by August.

by mid or end-July, got the news from james that NTU/NUS is having IT fair at the beginning of the new academic year. free upgrade of the Mac new OS leopard will be given. i was already pretty happy with the 3-yr warranty and carrying bag. the free upgrade is definitely welcomed (although i didn't know what kind of awesome and cool things that leopard can do till these couple of days..)

well, to cut the story shorter (i need to go to bed!)... i finally got the macbook pro last friday. (after lots of walking around the crowded NTU campus on a rainy friday and complications)

when i was picking up the macbook pro, FJ was with me. when we ordered the macbook pro, crab had already told me the specs and gifts, but i didn't really take note. so when FJ saw the adobe creative suite 3 (web premium), (if he was sitting) jumped out of the chair. and the next morning, going the 5th mile, superchrisho came to see if he can revive my late ibook's HD. seeing the free softwares given, he was also totally shocked and said this would cost about S$1,000 out there on the market.

so when i was talking with one friend who contributed to this computer, it suddenly dawned on me. all this waiting was very worth while! i have so many added bonuses (besides getting a really cool machine to begin with...) because i was "forced" to wait for apple to catch up on the popular demand of their amazing machines. (plus i think there was such delay due to the sales of iphone...)

at the end of this story, i hope that this macbook pro will last much longer than my late ibook. hopefully more beautiful music can be recorded through "grace upon grace" and beautiful photos, multimedia presentations will be made for the contribution of missions and God's kingdom. i am thankful that i get to enjoy using this baby everyday.

moved...

the NTU ESC (English speaking corner) hosted a farewell party for me yesterday. i had some vague idea of what might happen and had sent out email asking people to pray for me because i want to take this chance to share what's most pressing on my heart--salvation and a vital relationship in Jesus Christ. i had very little time to really sit down and prepare what i wanted to say, but i knew that i wanted to share some songs with them. i feel singing is the best medium for me to share my heart and gift that i can give to these dear friends.

i had not really thought about how i would feel to say goodbye to these friends that i've spent saturday mornings... somehow, i've never been really good in showing my emotions in front of people (except for when i am leading worship... i think...)

i didn't really cry but had a few tears rolling in my eyes but never really came out...

i was very moved by this special video edited/threaded by SM and YM. it was made up of clips of people's farewell messages to me. there are some funny things that people said but mostly heart felt words and genuine feelings expressed. i think i was especially touched when this girl HP said something to the effect of how ESC has been a very special time for her and whenever people said they have learned things through the lessons.

after ESC's party, i also visited the NTU cellgroup because it was bear's birthday and i wanted to celebrate with him before i go (but sorry ah... i didn't get any gifts for you.). at the end of the meeting, they wanted to pray for me and asked if i have anything to share with them. i said... i was very grateful that i had the opportunity to have some closure by visiting the cellgroup one last time. my contact with NTU started when i decided to help the NTU cell around sept 2003. but i left the cellgroup a couple or a year ago due to various reasons. to be able to go back and visit again was very good. maybe it was good because i get to see how people have grown over the years.

well... when they prayed for me... i cried. i think, it was because of the deep relationships that we've invested into one another's lives and knowing that we probably wont be able to spend as much time talking face to face with one another in the future. i was also moved because of people's gratitude of what my life has imparted to them. that meant a lot to me because that's what i sought to do all these years.

three more weeks left before i depart from singapore. there are going to be more and more farewell parties and dinners coming up.

pray that i'll have good closure time with people and treasure every moment we'll share before i go...

funny classical performers

got two links these two days from greenwei and former teacher HS... pretty funny stuff...

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/ver/223/popup/index.php?cl=3400917
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jiu0RNizU8

saying goodbyes

went to MOM and cancelled my employment pass today. it's a funny feeling somehow... although not much has changed (except that i can't work in singapore from today onwards), it just felt weird. 4 yrs passed by just like that...

well, it took me about 2 hours to take care of a 5 minute business. i guess i went at the wrong time (right at noon) and there were more than 200 numbers in queue in front of me. i guess MOM is still pretty efficient in comparison to most places in the world.

so... last tuesday, EAST already gave me a farewell lunch (along with JT). been having series of farewell meals and more to come with ESC this Sat, and faith CG in a couple weeks time...

...

well... been looking into getting a new macbook pro and finally got the phone call from crab saying that they will have what i ordered on friday. the salesman offered to take in my old thinkpad for a very small sum of money (but still money). if i finally decide to do that, i'll have to part with my thinkpad on friday as well.

suddenly feels a little scared to lose those that are familiar to me...

maybe this is what it's all about. mixed emotions of sadness, fear, and also looking into possibilities of the future life...

after thoughts of northern Malaysia trip

somehow after 8 yrs in asia, i never managed to go to ipoh until last week. i had a lot of mixed emotions when we were going there, arriving there, being there, and leaving there. i couldn't really put my thoughts in words until last night...

on the bus back to singapore, i was talking with jw about gong gong. somehow even after gong gong's passing for so many years, talking about him still brought tears to my eyes. i truly miss him.

ever since we got off the bus at medan kit, i was trying to imagine how Ipoh used to be when gong gong was living there. as we went thru the day, i also came to the realization that yesterday has passed. there's no way for me to truly "feel" the ipoh of gong gong's days.

but from my observation of the people and the life there, there are a lot of "traditions" preserved especially in the food that we tried. of course there are newer inventions and foods from other influences, but when we were in the dim sum restaurant early sunday morning with all the people speaking in cantonese, drinking tea, socializing, i think there was a glimpse of what it could have been like. (i still think it's rather far from how it was...)

while talking with jw about my family's past (particularly mom's family), i never grow tired of the fascinating and complicated history. from malaysia back to china, to HK, taiwan then the rest of the world, the Lees are truly multi-cultural and embracing of all peoples. then i thought of why is this so... of the places my family has lived, taken root, infected by those different lands' cultures...

i think i am grateful. grateful of my heritage, complicated, inherited cultures and values.

well, there's another root finding trip coming up in Sept to china... maybe it's the continuation of this discovery of who i am and how i've been affected by my family's past in creating who i am today.

to be cont...

Happy 'Ba ba' jie (Father's day)

today is Aug 8. in chinese it's "ba ba"... in taiwan, this is our father's day.

just want to wish my dad a happy "ba ba" jie. and the same goes to all the current and future fathers. :)

here's a prayer that i wrote on june 18 (the western father's day)
=====================================
dear Lord

pray for You to bless the fathers
of children young and old
pray for Your wisdom, fearlessness
trust in You
guide for their children
strength and courage to trust in You
pray for nations to be built
because of fathers taking on their tasks and responsibilities
honorable and high callings
for them to be good examples for their children
for their children to experience who You are even thru their earthly fathers
may You be honored and glorified
because of men who submit themselves, humbly to You
seeking Your heart and will for themselves and their families
pray for spiritual leadership
righteousness and justice
health and love
grace and mercy
just as You have shown them

Jay Chou-不能说的.秘密 MV

Link
(click above link to see the MV from another multiply-er's site)
guess i am somewhat a jay chou fan by now... (usually would sing at least one or two of his songs at karaoke sessions)

his new movie is out today. this is the new song from the movie. i kinda like the melancholy feeling to the song... some sweetness and some bitterness. tru romantic sentiment.

anti virus software

my norton finally expired today, which created a fright and a sense of insecurity within me when i saw that message popping up again. i've been very "guai" and used norton (because my computer expert older sister seemed to always insist on the paid version of anti-virus to be more reliable ) but since i'm changing laptop soon (hopefully), i didn't see any point to renew my subscription (which can only be used for the computer that it registered for). so i decided to try out the "free" avast (which i think most people use)...

i am not sure if it's just my imagination, but my laptop seems to be running much faster after removing norton anti-virus after i installed avast. i've always heard that norton takes up a lot of memory space and avast doesn't.

well... still think i should listen to my sis... but then again... avast is free and my computer runs faster now.

(ok... prepare for bullet proof vest i'm ready, jie! shoot! )

living and the dead

was at dear friend mala's father's wake this afternoon
he passed away last night
they had struggled with his caner for the past two years or so

they only have one day of wake
tomorrow is the funeral
no casket, just a body lying in the living room
covered by a silk sheet with embroidery
with recorded hindu chanting playing over and over
flower pedals spread on and around his body
his lifeless, breathless body

wish i could have met him while he was still alive
mala said "i will miss him"
tears fell

i can't imagine what kind of laughter he had
the life he lived
surrounded by his children and grandchildren

there was incense burning
some offerings of coconuts and other fruits

i sat there
watching the women chattering away around the lifeless body
all in tamil
were they ignoring the fact that someone has passed?
or they simply believe that he is passing on to the next life?
i wasn't sure
while the men sat outside also talking to each other

somehow the sorrow, the smell of the incense, the recorded chanting
all were too much for me
i'm sure it's even more overwhelming to dear mala

just continue to pray that the living will be comforted
while tears continues, peace will come from above

start of the 2nd book

went to TTC library and borrowed the 2nd book that i need to read for the 10-page paper for fuller application...

the cover is very pretty. and the content is focusing on biblical view of missions or rather exergetical synthesis of the bible on the topic of missions.

hopefully i will be able to finish it much faster than the last one since i'm taking some time off to stay at home and read...

gambate to me!

back to Singapore

just came back to sg last night around 11pm. the plane was jammed packed and i ran into dr james huang and his wife. it was nice to catch up with them a bit and have some company on the plane. i think it was special providence from the Lord. i was also very fortunate to have my friend tracey pick me up at the airport.

this morning went back to NTU ESC since i've been away for 2 saturdays. felt a little guilty that i can't help as much as i can before i depart from here. we went around asking everyone for their best vacation or memories in life. i shared about my trip to taiwan. i sorta rushed thru the sharing and didn't think i did a very good job so want to recap and write out my experience on this trip.

1. it was nice to be re-acquainted to taiwan again after so many years. although i've gone back several times in the past few years (due to weddings and wedding dinners), somehow this trip brought a more complete pictures of where taiwan has progressed to today. the subway train system seems to have brought a lot of good to taipei. people are better mannered, line up to get into the trains, and the trains/train stations were very clean...

i thought the funniest thing is that people are so afraid to sit in the "priority seats" (seats reserved for the elderly, pregnant women, children, and those with physical disabilities). i heard at least two or three times that the teenagers joking about feeling very "paiseh" to sit in those seats.

2. good service. almost all the service staff everywhere were all very polite and nice and patient. they always greet you when you enter the store and try very hard to be helpful.

3. good food. there are just so many varieties of foods with a lot of japanese influence. ms G and i really loved all the beautiful and yummy cakes. as a result, i'm going on diet again in the coming weeks... (even my hairdresser commented that i've gained weight... )

4. more visible presence of Christianity. the church reaching out with creative ways and great emphasis on missions work around the world. the day before i came back, i was invited to a restaurant workers' fellowship meeting because a lady was being baptised. i just thought it was so wonderful to know that the Gospel is being spread to the common people. i also paid a visit to steve, an old friend from Wa. he was sharing with me of this project that his group has embarked on--"ark #1", which is a traveling truck that would allow their band to perform in the night markets in order to share the Gospel with the masses. pray that God will make their path smooth and go ahead of them so that many will come to His saving grace.

another two ways of evangelism are my godmother's old folks college and radio programs. i visited two Christian radio stations by chance and read one station's 30th anniversary magazine and realized that when i was young, some of the children from church were invited to record children's radio shows. so cool to be linked back to things that we've done in the past.

5. this is more on a personal side... family or familee. i was able to visit aunt milly's new home and stayed briefly. she looked really good despite the fact that she just had a big tumor removed and is going to go thru chemotherapy. i also went hiking with ken and terry... later went to their house for dinner. (terry cooked!) their little apartment looked fantastic with all the interesting storage spaces hidden (will post pix). i also sat thru a radio interview of ken at the goodnews station. i was very moved to hear stories of his life that i've never had the chance to hear of. i know that God has been really good to our familee and been using all of us in different corners and parts of the world.

this is longer than i would like to usually write but i guess i had a lot of thoughts after this 2-week trip.

actually... i am hoping that i'll have more chance to interact with all the people i've met. they've all blessed me A LOT.

caught in the craze %-)

i've only been in taiwan for a week and i've fallen in love with this new young mandarin pop singer--yang zong wei. (here's a link to this tw website that allows you to listen for 30 min worth of free songs if you register... not sure if it works outside of tw... http://web.ezpeer.com/cd/c31344s7665.html)

in the few interviews that i've seen, he seems to be a very plain, simple, straight forward, nice, and honest guy that you would trust letting your daughter go out alone with.

actually this is one of those "american idol", "project superstar", "britain's got talent" type of singing competition. this group, xin guan bang (star light gang), is the result of the competition.

i think i can listen to this guy sing all night long and not get bored.

death by taiwanese food

it's been 5 days since i came back to taiwan. it's amazing how much you can eat in 5 days and the variety of foods they offer here. funny girl G has been repeating herself with the phrase "i can die here" because of all the good foods. (will post pix later)

well, today finally had a chance to stop from serious eating and do some damage control. i went hiking with my cousin ken, his wife terry, and lilian (a family friend). we went to the famous "yan ming shan". somehow in all my years in taiwan, i've never been hiking there even once. maybe it's because i grew up with a dad who doesn't like to hike (so he said in the car tonight).

thank God that the weather was super nice. when i woke up in the morning and looked out the window, i thought.. "gosh.. it looks hot and humid and maybe it will rain... not sure how i am going to survive today's hike" but as i went out, there was this nice breeze. although i was already sweating by just walking around on the street, it felt good because of the breeze.

we met around 10:30 at the Bei Tou MRT station and waited for a bus while we caught up with one another's lives. took this small bus up the mountain and started off on this trial by a temple. it was all uphill!!! we must have climbed uphill for hours but we took short breaks in between and enjoyed some fruits and food they prepared. the majority of the hike was uphill which was nice (because i really hate how going downhill can be so slippery and scary... and it hurts my knees and thighs). we walked thru this place that used to be the opening of a volcano and there used to be a small lake but it's all dried up now. well, to cut the story short, it was a very hard hike but rewarding hike because i had a break from eating and could do some serious exercise to sweat off all the calories and oil from fried chicken chop, din tai feng's "real" meat little steamed bao, yummy taiwanese style tapanyaki, all the delicious and delicate cakes from any bakery in the city, shaved ice desserts, bubble tea, grass jelly milk tea, dan shui fish balls... etc...

the entire hike took us nearly 6 hours to complete. LOL but it was really worth it.

(warning: food pictures posted in a later time might turn friends to enemies. if you cannot tahan and still want to be my friend, please don't look at the pictures. )

if..., would you?

if you search deep into your heart
your intuition, your subconsciousness
would you find that you do love and care for me as i do for you?

if you look into the songs you sent to me before
would you see that there's a common theme and message?

if you think back of our time together tonight
would you realize that we belong together
just like how it was tonight?

if you ever gotten the courage
would you let me know of how you truly feel inside?

if you truly treasure me as who i am
would you abandon your fears and committ to me and me alone?

if we could start on a different note in a different time and space
would we end up happily ever after?

if you would examine how much time we also interact with each other
would you find that we have occupied much of each other's life?

if,
would you?

Happy Independence Day!

Just want to be a little patriotic here... Although there was no fireworks or hamburgers, I did go out tonight and had some brownies (without ice cream) with some friends. Although I didn't say anything about it, it was on my mind all day long.

Just want to say Happy Independence Day, America!

Although I only grew up partly in America, there have been much positive influence (and negative ) upon my life during those years. My high school and college days were very important in shaping who I am today. Having been away for so many years, I've also grown to treasure the freedom, the space, the abundance of everything, and some good values that I experienced there.

Just pray that the American people would turn back to the good Lord who has so richly blessed this amazing country and her people. Pray that the country and people will stand up for righteousness and justice and please God with our lives.

separation

from the day we are conceived
we start to separate
grow so one day we are born
born so the cord can be cut
grow bigger to crawl, walk, run
for our independence
for dreams and aspirations
because "the time" has come
to move further yet closer
to what we desire
deep down in our hearts
to the life that God has given us
a never ending process and cycle
hellos and goodbyes
until that one day
when we are no more seprated

intuition and rationalization

"the heart is the most deceptive above all..."

with my intuition and my rationalization
self discipline is more of doing
what i like, when i like, with whom i like
decisions in life can change according to the I and R.
can you even call that self discipline?

i really don't know what i want or like
except for my I and R

can i live thru life in this way?
i probablly will always depend on these two friends and foe

how does God come in all this?
is this just the way He made me?
can He tolerate me although i can't even tolerate myself this way?

to these, i have no answer
i'll continue to seek and ask

pirates and persumptions

just watched pirates, the worlds end.... finally!!!!

tks to G who agree to go with me and sit thru that 168 minutes of thrill and laughs.

i actually thought it was entertaining and so did G. ok ok... people are right in saying that there were parts that moved too slowly but i think it's still faster than spiderman 3. :p people said there's no plot and storyline, i still saw a coherent theme running thru it. people say that there were too many characters introduced but aren't they all still supporting the main characters who got a fair share of the screen time? (yipee for seeing orlando bloom's handsome face on the big screen for quite a few shots) :D

i still appreciate the adventures and the focus on freedom (that's basically what they were fighting for). the romance was too cheesy for me. special effects, make up and costumes were really cool. (tons of stunt people were used since we sat thru the credits to watch "the very end" of the movie...) this 3rd movie also answered a lot of questions that were raised in the 2nd movie, introduced the pirates' world/culture, exposed the imaginative side of people for the ever changing seas. oh, and chow yun fat! too bad that he died too early in the movie. :(

so another conclusion i have about this movie and movie watching in general is that people will usually stick to their presumptions of certain movies, trilogies, and actors. i pretty much have very good vibes and liked the last two pirates movies, love the main actors and anticipated that i would be able to find interesting lines, stories, analogies, thoughts from this movie. i knew i would like it actually...

but for many of my friends who never liked johnny depp or the other two pirates movies, i hear more negative comments.

unless it's a horrendous movie that's beyond hope, i think hollywood captures this presumptuous side of people. i hope ocean's 13 is not just a whole bunch of handsome guys in redeeming the price i pay for the movie... ha.. :D

Pirates are coming...

Happy Mother's day!

Just want to wish all mothers out there a very happy and blessed mother's day! Also... for all spiritual moms out there. You might not have your own biological children but you have many spiritual children out there, lives touched by your nurturing.

Thank you for your sacrifices, love, care, food, heart to heart chats, prayers, tears...

wow... amazing...

last saturday when i went out jogging, i prayed to God... "help me to know that You love me..." then a bird poo pooed on me. i thought... "so much for asking God to show me love..."

but this morning as i think back, there were many things that happened to me that were pretty amazing...

monday... treated to a penang buffet at the king's copthrone hotel. it was yummilicious. :d
tuesday... lots of fun and free food with the BBTC YAM at pasir ris park with 5 friends from ESC.
wednesday... free tickets to "phantom of the opera" (not just any seat but really good circle one seats) with my good friend, ey... we enjoyed pretty good food and the sunset view at the marina sq food loft. she drove us there and to esplanade and home!
today... beautiful blue sky on the way to work. OH... and i won the EAST t-shirt design contest! $100 dollars and people get to wear my new design.

i think God is amazing...

all i ask of you

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA lyrics

why do waves all come crashing at once?

actually by nature, waves come not all at once. one comes after another. maybe there are times when it becomes more intense.

just yesterday i felt like i was under tons of pressure and today i am doing much better. it was all the decisions piling and all the uncertainties crashing. but all in a day's work, it was done.

this last trip with "the ladies" was set (timing, pricing, location). the dates for our extended family trip to china were set. decision about what to do for ESC this week was decided (cancel and invite the group to BBTC's FITS next tuesday). compilation of the year end survey results for EAST is almost done. just finished the last exit interview for the graduating students. i guess that's about all... oh ya! and the ICC situation with some brothers and sisters attending the church with questionable teachings was also settled all within a couple of days work (thank God!).

note to self today

1. result
2. process
how?

• trust; entrust (to a generous God, all knowing, able, loving, providence); belief
• (opposite of above--> driven by insecurities, worries, fears)
• humility (give God due credits to Him)
• not with my own wisdom
• love
• patience--God's timing
• let Him work!

His yoke is easy
burden is light
grace is sufficient
faith in persevering

faith is required when it's beyond my own abilities

silent retreat

a couple days ago, some of the EAST students went on a retreat. by retreat, this is a real retreat... going to a quiet place (in singapore, this is kinda rare), staying away from the noise and busyness... and not talking to one another for the majority of the time when we were there! (even during our meals)

the whole idea was to consciously block out all the noise and so refrain from talking. reading only the Bible and no other books, so we can practice "listening to God".

thru out the retreat, we had a facilitator (here's his blog) who went thru some debatable practices on meditation and biblical interpretation methods (or maybe we just needed more time for him to explain further before we practiced them?). despite all the discussions and the controversies that i've been hearing since the retreat, personally, i thought i benefited from this type of spiritual discipline exercise.

somehow, thru the 1 1/2 days retreat, i realized that i have been avoiding reading the Bible much because of this issue of trust. i find that i don't really trust God anymore so reading God's Word doesn't mean much to me... (if you don't trust someone, you probably won't really listen to his/her words...) i need to deal with my disappointments of things not taking place according to what i had imagined God doing. somehow God was bringing to my attention of the fact that He has His timing in all things and He does not fail in fulfilling His promises.

i also continued to struggle with "my dark side" (critical spirit, judgmental, unforgiving, etc.) and not knowing how to reconcile with "the force" (no lah... my good side... compassionate, loving, accepting, etc.). i also couldn't reconcile the two seemingly opposing sides, which are also exhibited so clearly in God. somehow, as i continued to think that i probably will need some time to reconcile it all, i caught the bus ride home with one of our students JT. he asked me what i've learned from the retreat and so i told him about my problem. i finally finished when i was about to get off the bus and walk home. he has started to counsel me and simply pointed out that what i was experiencing can possibly be some form of spiritual attack. the evil one knows that the Lord is bringing new things into my life so attacks/distractions came. he got off the bus with me and pray for me. somehow ever since then, i've felt much easier about my struggles.

ultimately, i just thank God in orchestrating every person and every event that played a part for where i am today, especially for my recent struggles. i think i've reached a place that i feel much more at peace although there are still some fears about the future that are plaguing me. i guess i'll just have to take one step at a time and see how the Lord will continue to lead and provide grace needed along the way.

priced possession

you were created--
fearfully and wonderfully
priced possession of the creator Lord God
the Almighty who spoke and the world came to being

you are loved and adored
with eternal, unmoved love
of the One who would sacrifice His only Son, His all
so you can connect, feel the deep love and desire
of the ultimate Husband never imagined existed

He adores you and lavishes His love upon you
not fearing going the distance
no matter how much the cost would be
knowing your most imitate desires and needs
feel all your joy and pain

None in this world can compare to Him

He never gives up
constantly pursuing you
no matter how muddied, scared you've become
no matter how you've exchanged substitute loves that can never compare
no matter how hard you tried to earn the wrong fulfillments in life
He is amazing, He loves you
very much

heart, mine

my heart, a woman's heart, sensitive
a place of complexity
a picture, a song, an ad
would strike memories within
even after so many years
hopes and desires diminished
still, a kindred spirit, an admiration
for your talent and amazing gifts

and you...
will i ever reach a day like this?
simple admiration
thoughts from a distance
no longer my object of possession and desire

T.E.A.R.

Oh Lord, i will

(written last Sunday March 4, 2007)
Have i not had enough pain?
Have i not hurt myself enough?
Have i not been thru enough because of what i thought is
right
or
good for me?

There's nothing left for me to fight.
There's none of me left to struggle.
I've tried too much.
I've chose enough for myself.
Now i choose You.
Now i choose life.
Now i choose You and so Lord, i will.

so i lied

yes, guilty as charged
so i lied
i lied to myself
i lied to you, my family and friends
i lied to God
of what i can endure
of what i would like in a man
of what i think i can endure
in a life that i had prayed for
of a man that i still love
still can't believe how foolish i can be
how stupid i truly am
"i told you so..."
i should have listened

i'm a true romantic, hopeless one
and i'm supposed to feel bad about this?
i want it all
but don't think i'm deserving
is that what my problem is?
maybe, i think so...

so i lied

random readings, surprised findings

thanks to ms krong's links on her xanga page, i came to the following 2 sites (er, 3, not 2... added an extra one after i started the blog entry)

really cool photo taking mom & some real down to earth woman who writes my heart & a church that seems very cool in boston

i'm just posting stuff right and left tonight. hope it's not too disturbing to you all. you can always delete my stuff from multiply

Sparrow

it's been a while since i sung worship songs freely at home for an extended period of time. at the beginning of the year, my new year's resolution is to give myself more time to rest and to be alone. tonight was one of those occasions. i started off preparing for tomorrow night's worship then just went on to sing some other songs. it was such a freeing and wonderful experience to be reminded of how God loves me thru the lyrics. and at the end of the night, i dug out the small hymn book that i have and found this hymn.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

this is actually my dad's favorite hymn, which i sang for him last last year for his birthday celebration in taiwan. i also have a copy of the lyrics pasted right in front of me in my cubicle at work. somehow the words never fail to bring comfort and assurance--

His Eye is on the Sparrow... and i know He watches me...

selective memories

joy said our memories are selective
if we choose to remember too much unpleasant things
we go insane
but we still try
to capture time and space
by
recounting what happened
taking photographs, videos
listen to songs
taste the flavors
savoring the memories
actually both
for the beautiful memories
and
for those others unmentionable
or could it also be a vision, a possiblity
of what memory could be
captured thru another's eyes
dear friend, i'm stealing yours

let me heal

just let my tears drop one by one
with each memory that passed
the sweet memories we shared
maybe healing will come slowly
with time
each care, concern, and prayer spoken
one day will come
when all sweet memories stored
fears, anxieties away
when you are truly a friend
in the mean time
showers of friendship, love bring support
providing strength to stir the bleeding heart
in the process of recounting lost
more is recovered
though there grows inner strength
strength provided thru many
will also aid
let this process repeats
hurt less and less
with time

death of a hope

don't ask me how i am
just let me wallow in my sorrow
let me hide in silence because the pain is too much to bear
all the happy memories now sting
peg struck heart's core
oozing out blood, warm and black
tears flowing down the cheek
hope is lost, diminished
routine covering up the truth
smile as if nothing had happened
talk as if he's still in the glimmer of hope
protected when those around know nothing
of the crushed desire, slapped in the face
by reality of one who has spoken so cruely

maybe only death of this past hope brings life
seed of hope dies so life of another kind will bloom
who knows what will grow out of this
something beautiful?
yet in death still secretly desiring resurrection of this hope, this man
that he will come back into the glimmering hope
that piece of the puzzle completing the whole picture

inter-school games

we just finished two days of inter-school games among SBC (Singapore Bible College), TTC (Trinity Theological College), and EAST (East Asia School of Theology)... i played badminton because we didn't have enough players. actually our school is pretty small so we didn't really have enough people to play everything! i think it's the first time that i've played competitively for badminton. it's always been just for fun. well, thanks to some quick practice and tips from CL and ah boy, i felt a little bit more confident. but our opponents were almost pro. they were so steady and cool... needless to say, i lost... 8-15.

well, but that was yesterday... there were also basketball games played among the three
schools. today, there were ping-pong, volleyball and soccer competitions. we cheered for our team until my throat feels very painful and totally worn out... although our team didn't win 1st places, i have to commend them... you see, as i said before, we don't have many people in our school... of course not enough people to play. so at the end of the day, the same group of korean students played basketball on the first day (they got 2nd place), volleyball and soccer today (3rd and 2nd place). if i add up all the games they've played, the total would be 6 (i think...) and
these students are not 20 something, they are mostly above 35.

no wonder i cheered and applauded so hard for them... because they were truly amazing and truly dedicated... hopefully they will get some good rest this weekend.

Testifying of God's protection

as i was chatting with mich last night, somehow i mentioned that i was shot in 1996. she said she's never heard me talk about this before. i said there was no opportunity, but thought i should record it down as a testimony of God's protection for my life.

it was july of 1996. i was on the thai-myanmar mountainous border teaching as a way of short-term missions. (the mentioning of the region's name or the people group might be sensitive so i won't mention the specifics) i started to go there in 1995 and went about 2~3 months every year until 1999. it was a boarding school made up of many orphans and child soldiers. that region has never been very stable with lots of wars and fighting. i think at the time we had about 1,000 students in the school.

i remember it was an afternoon after the students have taken their mid-term exams. many kids were playing outside of their dorms. i had just finished grading exam papers and was walking back to the teachers' dorm from the classroom area. i had to pass a little hill where the students' dorms are. as usual, i stopped to chat with the kids. i peeped out the corner of my eye and saw one of my 4th grade students holding a pallet gun (since they also hunt for birds, small animals and for the protection of the school in case of fighting). i joked with him: "what are you doing? going to shoot me?" then carried on talking to the other students.

all of the sudden... "bang!" everything went grey before my eyes. i fell to my butt and there was a loud ringing in my head. i felt warm liquid coming out of my head (not realizing it was blood). i was carrying a backpack so everything was flowing down between my shirt and my bag. they didn't realize how much blood i was losing until they took off my backpack. students rushed over. soon, teachers came also. everything was in a mess... i was shot by the small iron pallets that actually scraped thru the lower right of my head.

very quickly, they brought the stretcher. 4 or 6 of the older and stronger students carried me by foot to the local hospital (not like our modern hospitals but of mud floor and grass or tin roof). even with the half running/walking thru the small hills, they made it there in about 20 min. but... the missionary doctors from taiwan were not around. they had gone to a new place to explore the possibility of building a newer and nicer hospital.

my fellow teacher friends started praying... please bring the doctors back quickly.

in my mind, it seemed like 5 minutes, but people told me afterwards that it still took them maybe 30 minutes before the docs came back. once they were back, they put me in the very simple concrete made operation room and sew up the wounds. i think there were 7 some stitches.

i was also told afterwards, if the shot had been lower or more to the left, or if the docs didn't come back as soon as they did, i would have died.

the strange thing is... i felt a lot of peace all through out the event while others were more worried for me.

after i recovered, i've asked God many times "why?". one night about a month after the accident, as i was having prayer and devotional time with some students (from that same dorm), i felt rather frustrated with the naughty students still not paying attention in classes. i told them i don't know why God spared my life and let me endure the difficulties i continue to face. i would rather die and be with the Lord. they cried. so as we read "our daily bread" for that day, the passage mentioned was Phil 1:21~26. i could identify with paul's longing to depart and be with the Lord, yet at the same time, the Lord was keeping him on earth in serving Him and His people.

looking back, i'm thankful of God's protection and know that He has a purpose in keeping me on earth, right here, right now. i'm also thankful of all that i've experienced, learned, grew since then. i believe God has more in stored in the days to come...

new life, new beginnings

just came back not long ago from visiting a friend who gave birth yesterday afternoon. actually there were two births yesterday both at KK women and children's hospital. both are boys and first-born child. so going to visit the cole baby in the evening with a couple of other friends...

although i've seen new born babies numerous times, i still got a kick out of being with good friends in their first day of being parents and seeing the little guy sleeping so soundly even with all the nervous chatters around him. the mother looked so satisfied and stable with her little one beside her even though there are some adjustments in breast feeding, but the grandma and dad were more anxious than the mom telling her to do this or that...

my friend was sharing that she thought giving birth was tough but nobody ever told her of all the adjustments and "pains" that follow right after... as i was leaving, i was reminded to pray for them, their adjustment, baby's health& growth, for the parents/grandparents to have wisdom in knowing how to take good and proper care of the little one. this is also one of those things in life that require lots of dependence upon God (actually what doesn't require this?)... but was also thinking that parenthood does come with lots of responsibilities... maybe also lots of joy (since i've yet to have my own family...)

started reading this book how people grow yesterday... so this visit to the new baby reminded me of growth again. maybe will share another time.

just felt so excited... amazed... by life, by God's creation and gift...

MBTI result for tigger

so i finally had time and gave in to this test...

result? i'm ENFP (Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Preceiving)

not sure how that compare to others.

a little "interpretation" from the experts... ENFP is

just reading a little makes me feel that maybe i've changed. always thought i'm more introvert than extrovert? keep long relationships instead of keep having new ones? maybe my intuition is working differently today. :P

Psalm 103 (NLT)

Read this for my QT this morning. Somehow reading a different version brings a fresh feeling to the words. Just want to share with you...

Praise the LORD, I tell myself;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, I tell myself,
and never forgfet the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins and heals all my disesases.
He ransons me from death
and surrounds me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed lilke the eagle's!
The LORD gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
the LORD is merciful and gracious;
he is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He has not punished us for all our sins,
nor does he deal with us as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth
He has removed our rebellious acts
as far away from us as the east is from the west.
the LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he understands how weak we are;
he knows we are only dust.
Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
The wind blows, and we are gone--
as though we had never been here.
but the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him.
His salvation extendes to the children's children
of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!

The LORD has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.
Praise the LORD, you angels of his,
you mighty creatures who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
Yes, praise the LORD, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!

Praise the LORD, everything he has crated,
everywhere in his dkingdom.
As for me--I, too, will praise the LORD.

my favorite cable tv network

during this trip back to the US, i had plenty of time to catch up on what's popular (esp with my sisters) on tv. i was introduced to the world of the food network (it's like heaven for all you foodies out there). :P

amongst all the cool reality cooking shows, my favorite is the "ace of cakes". whoever came up with this show is a genius. the creators of amazing, untraditional, anything-you-ask-for wedding cakes are the most unexpected group of fun, young, playful people. check out the website and see what i mean...

then there were...
iron chef america
paula deen
throwdown with bobby flay
good eats with alton brown

i think the other shows are also pretty interesting but these are the ones that made some impression...

after watching my fair lady...

(warning: this is going to be long...)

went to watch my fair lady at the esplanade on Wed night with a friend and her sister. it was my birthday gift... really belated.

i wanted to watch it i guess because of the wonderful songs, the love story, and of all the good memories of watching the movie version.

well, the staged version is pretty different.
1. i thought the orchestra wasn't that great (not very in tune)
2. the sound system wasn't doing it's justice to all the singing and dialogs
3. no subtitles (hard to understand those weird brit lower class accents)
4. it's not the movie *grin* and audrey hepburn is not the main lead *grin again*

besides these "complaints" that i have, somehow i never noticed how strange this musical/play was written. i have been fascinated particularly with the ironies of ===>>>

1. the experiment to turn a lower class lady into an upper class princess --> purpose being giving her a better life. yet once she obtained the statues, she was miserable because she didn't know what to do with her life anymore. so the same old questions i asked myself after short-term missions to the mountains--do all these modernization, progress, education, truly help people with their deepest needs in life?

also... that struggle within for those who have turned from poor to riches... maybe you are not as happy as before. life has become more complicated than you would like, yet at the same time, you are not so willing to let go of the comfort and the statues that followed... (eliza's father expressed this opinion as well, i believe)

2. the almost too much of a real life relationship scenario displayed through the show... (ok ok... not ALL relationships) the professor who was proud of being a bachelor and (almost) woman hater. after 6 months of interaction with a genuine and lovely girl, he finds feelings that he never had before. at the same time, he's still unwilling to budge and admit publicly of his feelings and attachment for her. actually the same goes for her where she found herself having great difficulty to leave from his presence although she's sung how she hated his guts and wished him dead. i was thinking that if i pick any couple that i know and look into the mundane interaction, i probably would see the same dialog... "where's my slippers?" "there... *throws them across the room*" (sensing the cynic in me... ^_^)

but in "my fair lady"? usually in movies and shows, the "perfect" or "ideal" relationship is displayed but how weird (that i've never noticed before) to see it on stage.

hmm... guess these are the two things that i wanted to blog about... any discussions on these 2 subjects or even just the show is very welcomed. ^_^

(and i still love the songs in there) :D

rainy coat hanger

  

harvesting

Prior to Good Friday, i was sharing with my housemate, wwj, that i've not seen many people receiving Christ lately. i was kinda upset. we prayed for the various activities that were taking place over that weekend... boom... one guy receives Christ on the Saturday btn GF and Easter.

NTU evangelistic concert... 4 received Christ and one is a friend of a sister at ICC.

Last Friday's BBQ for ESC at NTU... one girl prayed and received Christ (but still need much prayer for growth).

Pretty positive sharing at NYP with 3 nuring students. although they didn't receive Christ, but hopefully they are a step closer.

it seems that ... oh... then last sunday's evangelistic service... 9 on the record received Christ. one girl came because of a friend's friend's friend introduced me to her. i called. she came. she received Christ. just like that.

not that i'm keeping score or anything. but to tabulate... since the time we prayed till now... indirectly related to me or directly... 7 in the matter of 2 months.

Man.. when God works... He just does. :P (of course with the partnership...much prayer of many)

ability to be still (Ps 46)

i chose this psalm for monday's prayer meeting. it brought great encouragement to my heart as we read it and prayed over it. looking through it again and realized this...

verse 8
"come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
10
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

verse 8 is the invitation to examine the LORD abilities. verse 9 is the proof of His abilities and 10 is the result of knowing who the LORD is and is able to do.

If the LORD is able to make wars cease to the ends fo the earth, what else can He not do? Nothing.

so why fret and worry? why fight the wars within and without? He has ceased it and brought peace. Receive and be still...

paying the price

not sure if anybody still reads this thing... (like how i crazily keep going back to check for updates on me frenz' blogs)(i'm insane) haha...

well, been doing some research for a paper on the impact of the cultural revolution on the house churches in china... started to read this book with rather descriptive story of some of the persecution....

dude! i almost cried on the MRT while i was reading it. still can't believe the intensity of their persecution and sufferings...

then was chatting with lai on msn yesterday talking about this thing.. realized this===>

the "miracle" of having so many Christians in china today is not coincidental. not like the so called fast and quick church growth guide that we see from some of the megachurches in sg. the "miracle" is of course the work of God... but also thru the price that these faithful men and women had to pay during all these years. the tremendous growth is not merely some kind of supernatural *ding*-you-are-a-Christian kind of thing but rather the lives that obedyed God's voice in doing the unthinkable (like cleaning up human waste in jail cells and thus bringing the entire prison to Christ)... dying for Jesus because they wouldn't compromise their faith in public (one story this man was buried alive)

i think... this is essential for church growth. but... how many people today in our comfortable world is willing to pay this kind of price?

God sent

happened to tell ms cloud that i would be going over to bring home the oven from crab tonight.

happened that we invited joseph to come to speak at ESC.

happened that he drives.

happened that he offered to send me home.... also to help me pick up the oven.

happened that reuben was around to help me bring the big oven up 11 fLs to my house...

coincidences? i'd rather think not. ^_^

parent-child relationship

Observed this the other night...

When adults were talking, the mom or dad would tell their kids, "don't you see that adults are talking?"

it was kinda obvious to me that the kids wanted their parents' attention and wanted to be included but by brushing them off like that made things worse. and when the kids weren't given proper attention, they tried harder by getting louder and noisier. from the parents' side, they got even more agitated and made comoments like "you are horrible... so noisy..."

Do the adults actually stop and listen to what we say in front of these kids? Will the kids remember the exact words or just the sentiment/attitude of the parents?

Not sure if i'm making a jugement that is unfair to the parents or if i will react the same way when i have my own kids... but... do you think it's better if the adults tell the kids "ya, what you want to do is great. i see it. but mom/dad is talking to our guests right now. i will be with you later." would this work better?

i think paying attention to kids and adults are equally important (maybe it's even more important for the kids and need better explanation or expression of love and acceptance..)

angels?

i was on the MRT with my friends cat and sufen... sufen had polio since young and has to walk with crutches. as sufen got off the train, the old man next to me turned and asked me what happened to her...

he asked what religion does she believe in. i said christianity. he said that without her faith, it's not possible for her to continue. then he started to tell me about his familiy... the 13 siblings who are all christians... his 97 yr old mother who just passed away in july of last yr. people should be obedient to their moms when they are alive and not regret it only when it's too late... he attends the pasir panjang christ church... invited me to go to their service at 10 on sundays...

during such times, besides listening to what he says, i often wonder why? why do i have this encounter with this old man at this time?

(all of the sudden i thought about what he said about praying for sufen...continue to pray for her, he said)

for this morning's chapel, we had a time of sharing from anybody who has a testimony. the most memorable one was about PAP (pay and pay; pray and persevere... it's a long story) but the part about pray and persevere sticks in my mind...

God is sending angels my way to encourage/remind me to pray without losing hope?

nervousness and peace

our outreach starts tomorrow evening... the english speaking corner (ESC)

and as of now, we have not confirmed where we will meet...
and... my friends are taking class for the next two mondays (cat) and sick (liz)

funny though, i have this overwhelming sense of peace as if the sky falls, i won't be harmed... i am worried though..."what if we don't have a place to go to, what do we do? what if i'm the only teacher there tomorrow, will i be able to handle it? what if i can't do a good job in teaching? what if the people who come get disappointed or give up half way?"

i guess even if i think of all the possibilities, many of these things will probably turn out very differently from "my" possibilities...

pray, i pray like crazy... Lord, this is Your ministry and work... help us in these things that we have no control over... and help us do our part well. :)

trust is what He wants

i've recently decided to fast one day a week... for personal reasons and church needs.

today at lunch i was discussing about this with my friend. somehow she asked me how to discern God's will when there seems to have many open doors. i told her, sometimes whether a door is opened or not depends on one's perspective. i gave her the example, if i overlook the conditions of going to certain countries for missions, i think i can make it to most places in this world with no problem. but it was because i had laid down certain conditions of a environment also for my personal well being and growth, i didn't just go anywhere. same goes for choosing life partner...

but this has been a struggle for me... what's the will of God when it comes to some of those grey areas of our needs... the needs are real but not "necessary" to have in life... or there can be multiple possibilities...but as for someone's salvation, that's kinda a sure thing that when we pray, God's desire is for people to be saved (spelled out clearly somewhere in John)... but other areas are not that black and white... and so one week i was praying for something to go one way, the next, i am wondering if what i prayed is God's will and what if it's not then maybe i need to pray the other way???? (so confusing...)

well, our librarian, julie recommended me to read this book on spiritual discipline. as i was reading it on the MRT, it dawned on me that not being sure of how things will definitely turn out is where HE wants us to be... by not being sure, i would have to cry out to HIM and trust HIM every single moment in my life when it comes to these decisions... God can choose to give or not give...He's sovereign. He knows what's best for us... but He always wants us to give our full attention to HIM.

it's not for us to "know" but to "trust"... not sure if it makes sense... we will know eventually but in the process we just need to trust Him... the Sovereign God who is faithfull and good... loving and just...

the other day, a friend was very upset because of relationship problems... i didn't know how to counsel her and pray for them... last year a girl was going to SA and needed my advice when she didn't seem to get her visa in time... i told them both...i don't know how to pray for you... i don't know... i just pray and ask God for wisdom and His Will to be shown...

now i know... it's in these "i don't know" moments that God becomes real and the only One we could possibily grab on to... He's the only One we can trust... Trust and obey, for there's no other way... and "I'd rather have Jesus than anything..."

reminders of home

it's amazing how certain places, food, people, music, atmosphere can remind me of a place that i probably would identify most as "home". Last night i was with two girls, (1 american, 1 taiwanese who has stayed in the US for a short period of time) shopping at this supermarket called "liberty". they sell a lot of food from the US or AU. it was so funny that we were wooing and wowing over things that u can find usually in other supermarkets here. seeing these things reminded me of home.


and a moment ago, it felt even more so. strange as it might sound, i was at the US embassy adding pages to my passport. (or maybe not so strange now that i think of it) somehow the smell, and the architecture, the tight security??? the fountain, the clerk, not all familiar since i've never been there b4, yet gave me that few minutes of a sense of "home".

maybe it's mom's and mei's attacks of "come home"s lately, plus my serious consideration and dissucussious with diff ppl over this, it is getting to me a little. yet i know clearly that my place is to be here and do all the things that God wants me to do here. most people leave their homes because they want a better life, higher degrees, more opportunities, more freedom, more spaces. but this group of people who call themselves missionaries are diff. it's a high calling with high ideals... a sure ideal, too... :P there are many many testimonies of such men and women...

Jesus's call to follow Him has a high price to pay--family, friends, familiar surroundings, home... well, call me an idealist then. the reward is far greater, eternal...

what i hate most

ever since young, what i hate most is to be falsely accused. i was hit again... tonight...

through the phone conversation, keep hearing the other person talking about this and that is the way it is... as if i am a child who was born yesterday... i was thinking, am i stupid? have i not seen the world more than you've had? on the contrary, from my experience interacting with the person, my pride tells me that i'm far better off than she is... :P i also knew that it is no use if i would defend myself or argue back. (i think i clarified a little bit at the end.) i wasn't sure if i should just hang up the phone and pretend that something happened to the phone...(oops, something was wrong with my phone...) hahaha... (hee hee... my evilness is coming out.. ha ha ha...) or... the possibilities are endless...

while i was listening to the person talk, my blood pressure was building up... but i was praying in my heart, "God, give me the patience that is needed. Help me to be humbled. I might have more experience and even more abilities than this person, I still need to be humble and try to learn whatever this person has to offer. Afterall, this Kingdom building business is not mine. It's God's and God uses us all differently." i survived the phone conversation... but coming out from it, i was also wondering... all this chinese-ness of politeness that i was exercising, would it become this "fu1 yan3" thing that i am doing... i really didn't have the heart or the mind to listen, but being chinesee and polite, i endured... endured... such a painful yet truthful word...

sigh... i find that there are always so much growth to do in this journey of life, this ministry that God has called me to be faithful to...

(one of the "accusations"... holding too tightly and expecting a group of people will always stay in one church...)
finding balance is hard... being put "in charge" of a group of people or even have people crossing your path means (after these few years in SG and having learned from a close friend, fabulous leader ;)) God wants you to be "reponsible" in taking care of them (spend time to find out things in their lives so you can encourage them along...) yet at the same time, only God knows EVERYTHING that happens in people's lives and HE would watch over every step of their way... although i might be responsible for the people crossing my path, God's still the BOSS. He is in charge and He has His timing to heal, to convict, etc...

sigh... i know that ultimately i want to learn to be humbled and that's a life long lessson... and it gets harder as time goes...as experiences increase, as knowledge increases... but... got to continue to learn it...

thoughts after indo trip

can't get into my msn spaces... resort to write something here...

indo trip was good. refreshing. i got to think about stuff. ICC, NTU, life, future, ministry, EAST, friendships...

my fish died after i came back. last year when i went back to the US, my pretty blue fishy died. i half jokingly blamed the friend who took care of my "blue" that she killed it... hahaha... i was thinking today, it's time to change the kind of fish i keep.. maybe i tend to choose the pretty ones that die faster. maybe i should choose something that's not so pretty so it won't die so fast. this sounds quite illogical. just because a fish is pretty, doesn't mean it will die faster. just because a fish is ugly doesn't mean that it will live longer. so goes my fish logic... i'm so weird. %]

yesterday at ICC (church) i was elected as a deaconness for the next 2 years. (wow... 2 more years...) when people congratulate me, i didn't know how to react. should i be happy or be sad? being a deacon carries with it many responsbilities and heartaches. was thinking that i've been getting sick a lot more frequent in the past 2 years. either life is too stressful and/or i'm aging rather quickly. (hopefully nobody who's older is reading this and getting tickled about this.. old? i always tell younger kids.. "never say you are getting old in front of someone older than you...") back to the being deacon thing... definitely a lot more stress. i think i can get to heaven faster. (my dream for a while but never been able to succeed ever since 1996... good old Paul says it best in Phil 1, the latter part.)

it's 11:30 and i should be sleeping... last night i started to think about ICC ministry and other stuff.... my hair said hi to the pillow around 2:30. maybe i 'm becoming like mom more and more... worry more... sleep less.. getting sick more... doing more stuff, getting upset more easily... hmm... (luv ya mom!!! you are awesome!!!) haha...

this is the longest blog that i've written yet... kinda stream of consciousness stuff i write for my personal diaries...

nite b4 indo

i'm supposed to be preparing for my trip to indo... but with EAST planning and lots of other stuff to deal with (mainly icc stuff bah...) i don't seem to be able to find time... pray... but need to be more discipline and focus myself on it...

kinda looking forward to be with friends again... :) and my indonesian godson... friends... cooler weather... ocean... coconut trees...

thank God for friends :)

Not quite sure why i have two sites to blog...

had duriansssssssss tonite... can i have too much of it??? :P

the first time i had durian was Aug 1999, my first touch down to SG. and now i am a durian lover... so hard to believe.

well, the real point of this blog is not about durian but about friends. thank God for great friends. i'm so blessed with so many. =) sisters at ICC... great gifts from God.

so how does durian tie in with sisters from God? we had durian together tonite... hahaha... ^_^